Funny Marriage Quotes - Page 7

• Each marriage starts with two built-in handicaps. It involves two imperfect people.

  Russell M. Nelson

  Two, People, Imperfect

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  What women want: To be loved, to be listened to, to be desired, to be respected, to be needed, to be trusted, and sometimes, just to be held. What men want: Tickets to the World Series.

  Dave Barry

  Funny, Respect, Women

  Dave Barry (2001). “All the Dave Barry you could ever want: four classic books in one from America's foremost humorist”

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• Bigamy is the only crime where two rites make a wrong.

  Bob Hope

  Two, Comedy, Crime

  30 Copy quote

• According to a new study, women in satisfying marriages are less likely to develop cardiovascular diseases than unmarried women. So don't worry, lonely women, you'll be dead soon.

  Tina Fey

  Lonely, Worry, Disease

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• Marriage is great. It'll calm you down - that and neutering.

  Kevin Nealon

  Calm, Neutering

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• I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.

  Bob Monkhouse

  Funny, Wife, Alarms

  They're not laughing now ..., www.theguardian.com. December 29, 2003.

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• A married couple are well suited when both partners usually feel the need for a quarrel at the same time.

  Jean Rostand

  Anniversary, Marriage, Couple

  7 Copy quote

• The problem with marriage is that it ends every night after making love, and it must be rebuilt every morning before breakfast.

  Gabriel Garcia Marquez

  Marriage, Wedding, Morning

  Love in the Time of Cholera (1985)

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• When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.

  Prince Philip

  Inspirational, Funny, Marriage

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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• To say that one waits a lifetime for his soulmate to come around is a paradox. People eventually get sick of waiting, take a chance on someone, and by the art of commitment become soulmates, which takes a lifetime to perfect.

  Criss Jami

  Love, Inspirational, Marriage

  Criss Jami (2015). “Killosophy”, p.97, Criss Jami

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• You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.'

  Robin Williams

  Funny, Sex, Humor

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• My husband and I didn't sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact.

  Roseanne Barr

  Marriage, Suicide, Husband

  "Heard the one about ..." by Andy Barker, www.theguardian.com. March 11, 2006.

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• A sweetheart is a bottle of wine, a wife is a wine bottle.

  Charles Baudelaire

  Funny, Cute, Marriage

  63 Copy quote

• Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.

  Erma Bombeck

  Love, Marriage, Funny Relationship

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• A legal or religious ceremony by which two persons of the opposite sex solemnly agree to harass and spy on each other... until death do them join.

  Elbert Hubbard

  Religious, Sex, Opposites

  Elbert Hubbard, Bert Hubbard (1923). “Selected writings of Elbert Hubbard: his mintage of wisdom, coined from a life of love, laughter and work”

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• My wife and I had an argument last week that was so stupid, that it bears repeating. My wife collects twist ties...welcome to my world.

  Bill Engvall

  Stupid, Ties, Wife

  FaceBook post by Bill Engvall from Apr 21, 2013

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• Marriage is a very good thing, but I think it's a mistake to make a habit out of it.

  W. Somerset Maugham

  Mistake, Thinking, Habit

  "The Mixture as Before". Book by W. Somerset Maugham, 1940.

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• It is a woman's business to get married as soon as possible, and a man's to keep unmarried as long as he can.

  George Bernard Shaw

  Relationship, Marriage, Men

  Man and Superman (1903) act 2

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• A woman would run through fire and water for such a kind heart.

  William Shakespeare

  Love, Running, Heart

  1597-8 Mistress Quickly.TheMerryWives ofWindsor, act 3, sc.4, l.101-2.

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• The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married, and the married wish to be dead.

  Ann Landers

  Being Happy, Funny Inspirational, Funny Valentines Day

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• I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always

  Red Skelton

  Inspiration, Divorce, Names

  65 Copy quote

• Whenever you're wrong, admit it; Whenever you're right, shut up.

  Ogden Nash

  Inspirational, Life, Marriage

  Ogden Nash, “A Word To Husbands”

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• The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.

  Dorothy Parker

  Two, People, Ham

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• Tomorrow, Trubshawe, I am going to get married again, thereby quite possibly making the greatest mistake of my life.

  David Niven

  Mistake, Tomorrow, Married

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• If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman; she will be all ears.

  Sigmund Freud

  Wife, Want, Ears

  272 Copy quote