Funny Marriage Quotes - Page 6

• When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.

  Prince Philip

  Inspirational, Funny, Marriage

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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• I do wanna get married. It just sounds great. You get to go grocery shopping together, rent videos, and the kissing and the hugging and the kissing and the hugging under the cozy covers. Mmmm! But sometimes I worry that I don't wanna get married as much as I want to get dipped in a vat of warm, rising bread dough. That might feel pretty good, too.

  Maria Bamford

  Relationship, Kissing, Shopping

  "Comedy Central Presents (Maria Bamford)". TV Series, July 2, 2001.

  21 Copy quote

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• A married couple are well suited when both partners usually feel the need for a quarrel at the same time.

  Jean Rostand

  Anniversary, Marriage, Couple

  7 Copy quote

• Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.

  Milton Berle

  Life, Sex, Wife

  16 Copy quote

• If love means never having to say you're sorry, then marriage means always having to say everything twice.

  Estelle Getty

  Sorry, Memorable, Mean

  21 Copy quote

• Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.

  Francois de La Rochefoucauld

  Funny, Marriage, Witty

  64 Copy quote

• Never get married in the morning, because you never know who you'll meet that night.

  Paul Hornung

  Funny, Marriage, Wedding

  51 Copy quote

• Everything comes to us from others. To Be is to belong to someone.

  Jean-Paul Sartre

  Love, True Love, One Love

  Jean-Paul Sartre (2012). “Saint Genet: Actor and Martyr”, p.6, U of Minnesota Press

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• The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.

  Rick Reilly

  Buttons, Tvs, Best Things

  4 Copy quote

• Professional marriage counselors agree that the most productive and mature way to deal with marital anger is to stomp dramatically from the room. You want to make your move before the opponent does, because the first person to stomp from the room receives valuable Argument Points that can be redeemed for exciting merchandise at the Marital Prize Redemption Center.

  Dave Barry

  Moving, Doe, Redemption

  Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry Talks Back”, p.208, Crown Archetype

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• Marriage is nature's way of ensuring that a woman picks up some mothering experience before she has her first child.

  Robert Breault

  Children, Way, Firsts

  5 Copy quote

• Bridge is a game that separates the men from the boys. It also separates husbands and wives.

  George Burns

  Funny, Husband, Boys

  George Burns, Hal Goldman (1992). “Wisdom of the 90s”, Perigee Books

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• My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

  Henny Youngman

  Sea, Wife, Hotel

  "The Haunted Smile: The Story of Jewish Comedians in America". Book by Lawrence J. Epstein, 2001.

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• Pray for the love which allows you to see the good in your companion. Pray for the love that makes weaknesses and mistakes seem small. Pray for the love to make your companion's joy your own. Pray for the love to want to lessen the load and soften the sorrows of your companion

  Henry B. Eyring

  Love, Family, Marriage

  FaceBook post by Henry B Eyring from Sep 16, 2015

  34 Copy quote

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• I believe our differences are the little pinches of salt that can make the marriage seem more flavorful.

  James E. Faust

  Believe, Differences, Littles

  "Enriching Your Marriage". James E. Faust's First Presidency message, www.lds.org. April 2007.

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• Each marriage starts with two built-in handicaps. It involves two imperfect people.

  Russell M. Nelson

  Two, People, Imperfect

  26 Copy quote
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  What women want: To be loved, to be listened to, to be desired, to be respected, to be needed, to be trusted, and sometimes, just to be held. What men want: Tickets to the World Series.

  Dave Barry

  Funny, Respect, Women

  Dave Barry (2001). “All the Dave Barry you could ever want: four classic books in one from America's foremost humorist”

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• Bigamy is the only crime where two rites make a wrong.

  Bob Hope

  Two, Comedy, Crime

  30 Copy quote

• There comes a time when a man and woman realize that their separate schemes can be better achieved as a conspiracy.

  Robert Breault

  Love, Family, Marriage

  5 Copy quote

• Women hope men will change after marriage but they don't; men hope women won't change but they do.

  Bettina Arndt

  Love, Marriage, Wedding

  Arndt, Bettina, Bettina Arndt (2009). “The Sex Diaries: Why Women Go Off Sex And Other Bedroom Battles”, p.60, Melbourne Univ. Publishing

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• To keep the fire burning brightly there's one easy rule: Keep the two logs together, near enough to keep each other warm and far enough apart - about a finger's breadth - for breathing room. Good fire, good marriage, same rule.

  Marnie Reed Crowell

  Love, Marriage, Fire

  Marnie Reed Crowell (1973). “Greener pastures”

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• Rich bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others.

  Oscar Wilde

  Happiness, Marriage, Men

  Oscar Wilde (2007). “Epigrams of Oscar Wilde”, p.11, Wordsworth Editions

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• Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success.

  Jim Backus

  Marriage, Humorous, Drinking

  "Personal Quotes/ Biography". www.imdb.com.

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• Behind every great man there is a surprised woman.

  Maryon Pearson

  Marriage, Sarcastic, Wedding

  52 Copy quote

• The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him.

  Oscar Wilde

  Funny, Life, Marriage

  147 Copy quote