Funny Marriage Quotes - Page 10

• One's fantasy goes for a walk and returns with a bride.

  Bernard Malamud

  Return, Fantasy, Brides

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• If a man works like a horse for his money, there are a lot of girls anxious to take him down the bridal path.

  Marty Allen

  Marriage, Girl, Horse

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• Neither of us entered marriage thinking it wouldn't be a strain. Life has strains in it, and he's the person I want to strain with.

  Patricia Arquette

  Thinking, Want, Persons

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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• You have no idea of the women I didn't marry.

  Artie Shaw

  Ideas, No Idea

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

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• I have trouble saying hu ... hu ... husband.

  Rosanna Arquette

  Husband, Trouble

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• The only time some fellows are seen with their wives is after they're indicted.

  Kin Hubbard

  Wife, Fellows, Only Time

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• Marriage is an investment which pays dividends if you pay interest.

  Bob Monkhouse

  Pay, Investment, Interest

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• There is a vast difference between the savage and the civilized man, but it is never apparent to their wives until after breakfast.

  Helen Rowland

  Marriage, Humorous, Food

  Helen Rowland (2017). “A Guide to Men: Being Encore Reflections of a Bachelor Girl”, p.22, Litres

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• I didn't know every day I would be discussing the tone of my voice with my wife. I thought it was a marriage. Apparently, it's a musical.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Voice, Wife, Musical

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• The critical period of matrimony is breakfast-time.

  A. P. Herbert

  Marriage, Time, Breakfast

  Uncommon Law (1935) "Is Marriage Lawful?"

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• It is best for ordinary men to have only one wife !

  Akbar

  Men, Wife, Ordinary

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• My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Cutting, Two, Wife

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• Bigamy ? It's having one wife too much...
  ...Monogamy ? It's the same.

  Oscar Wilde

  Wife, Too Much, Monogamy

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• I think weddings are sadder than funerals, because they remind you of your own wedding. You can't be reminded of your own funeral because it hasn't happened. But weddings always make me cry.

  Brendan Behan

  Thinking, Funeral, Cry

  Brendan Behan (2014). “Behan Complete Plays”, p.252, Bloomsbury Publishing

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• Sex when you're married is like going to the 7-Eleven: There's not much variety, but at three in the morning, it's always there.

  Carol Leifer

  Morning, Sex, Three

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• Marriage is like retiring as a bachelor and getting a sexual pension. You don't have to work for the sex any more, but you only get 65% as much.

  Aristotle

  Sex, Bachelors, Retiring

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• Love seems the swiftest, but it is the slowest of growths

  Mark Twain

  Anniversary, Marriage, Wedding

  Mark Twain (2012). “Mark Twain at Your Fingertips: A Book of Quotations”, p.248, Courier Corporation

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• God, I hope he dies the night before one of his kids get married.

  Jim Norton

  Kids, Night, Married

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• I've been married to my wife for 60 years but it feels just like yesterday, and you know what a bloody awful day yesterday was.

  Frank Carson

  Feels Just, Yesterday, Years

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• Love conquers all things.

  Virgil

  Love, Inspirational, Valentine

  Eclogues no. 10, l. 69

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• All tragedies are finished by a death, All comedies are ended by a marriage.

  Lord Byron

  Tragedy, Comedy, Marriage Advice For Newlyweds

  'Don Juan' (1819-24) canto 3, st. 9

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• If I get married again, I want a guy there with a drum to do rimshots during the vows.

  Sam Kinison

  Guy, Want, Married

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• My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath, "Married!" and walking away. Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

  Andy Rooney

  Clothes, Walking Away, Wife

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• She had been married so often she bought a drip-dry wedding dress.

  Chic Murray

  Dresses, Dry, Married

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• I didn't plan on being a comedian. I didn't plan on getting married and I didn't plan on having kids, but I did all those things.

  Rodney Carrington

  Children, Kids, Comedian

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