Thanksgiving Jokes Quotes

Thanksgiving, when the Indians said, "Well, this has been fun, but we know you have a long voyage back to England".

Jay Leno

Thanksgiving, Fun, Long

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What we're really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?

Erma Bombeck

Thanksgiving, Food, Mean

Erma Bombeck (2013). “Forever, Erma: Best-Loved Writing From America's Favorite Humorist”, p.271, Open Road Media

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May your stuffing be tasty May your turkey plump, May your potatoes and gravy Have nary a lump. May your yams be delicious And your pies take the prize, And may your Thanksgiving dinner Stay off your thighs!

Grandpa Jones

Thanksgiving, Yams, Turkeys

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Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.

Johnny Carson

Thanksgiving, Holiday, Emotional

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I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

Jon Stewart

Funny, Thanksgiving, Holiday

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You know that just before that first Thanksgiving dinner there was one wise, old Native American woman saying, Don't feed them. If you feed them, they'll never leave.

Dylan Brody

Thanksgiving, Wise, Native American

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I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There's turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Some one needs to tell the turkey, 'man, just be yourself.'

Mitch Hedberg

Thanksgiving, Being Yourself, Fun

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Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.

Kevin James

Funny, Thanksgiving, Good Day

Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

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An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.

Irv Kupcinet

Thanksgiving, Optimistic, Turkeys

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I love Thanksgiving turkey... It's the only time in Los Angeles that you see natural breasts.

Arnold Schwarzenegger

Thanksgiving, Turkeys, Los Angeles

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My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.

Rita Rudner

Funny, Thanksgiving, Mother

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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

Phyllis Diller

Thanksgiving, Fun, Kids

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Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.

Erma Bombeck

Thanksgiving, Sports, Football

"On Being Blonde: Wit and Wisdom from the World's Most Infamous Blondes". Book by Paula Munier, p. 67, September 1, 2004.

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We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing

George Carlin

Thanksgiving, Sarcastic, Sarcasm

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You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.

Jay Leno

Thanksgiving, Too Much, Funny Thanksgiving

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I'm from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I'm thankful for that.

Howie Mandel

Thanksgiving, Canada, Thursday

"Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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Thanksgiving is the day when you turn to another family member and say, 'How long has Mom been drinking like this?' My Mom, after six Bloody Marys looks at the turkey and goes, 'Here, kitty, kitty.'

David Letterman

Thanksgiving, Mom, Drinking

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I love chicken. I would eat chicken fingers on Thanksgiving if it were socially acceptable.

Todd Barry

Thanksgiving, Chickens, Chicken Nuggets

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But see, in our open clearings, how golden the melons lie; Enrich them with sweets and spices, and give us the pumpkin-pie!

Margaret Junkin Preston

Thanksgiving, Sweet, Lying

Margaret Junkin Preston (1887). “Colonial Ballads, Sonnets, and Other Verse”

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Coexistence: what the farmer does with the turkey - until Thanksgiving.

Mike Connolly

Thanksgiving, Vegetarianism, Turkeys

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It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.

Phyllis Diller

Thanksgiving, Turkeys, Three

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It was dramatic to watch my grandmother decapitate a turkey with an ax the day before Thanksgiving. Nowadays the expense of hiring grandmothers for the ax work would probably qualify all turkeys so honored with gourmet status.

Russell Baker

Food, Grandmother, Funny Thanksgiving

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Best of all is it to preserve everything in a pure, still heart, and let there be for every pulse a thanksgiving, and for every breath a song.

Conrad Gessner

Thank You, Thanksgiving, Song

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Not what we say about our blessings, but how we use them, is the true measure of our thanksgiving.

W. T. Purkiser

Thanksgiving, Thank You, Gratitude

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It must be an odd feeling to be thankful to nobody in particular. Christians in public institutions often see this odd thing happening on Thanksgiving Day. Everyone in the institution seems to be thankful 'in general.' It's very strange. It's a little like being married in general.

Cornelius Plantinga

Thanksgiving, Christian, Being Thankful

Cornelius Plantinga (2001). “Beyond Doubt: Faith-Building Devotions on Questions Christians Ask”, p.52, Wm. B. Eerdmans Publishing

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