Witty Quotes - Page 20

• It's never just a game when you're winning.

  George Carlin

  Funny, Sarcastic, Humorous

  11 Copy quote

• Now it was just the three of us: the leader, the warrior, and the kid about to wet his pants. Guess who I was.

  D. J. MacHale

  Kids, Warrior, Leader

  4 Copy quote

• Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers.

  George Carlin

  Funny, Sarcastic, Baby

  19 Copy quote

• A good motto to live by: "Always try not to get killed.

  George Carlin

  Funny, Life, Sarcastic

  21 Copy quote

• Most men will not swim before they are able to.' Is not that witty? Naturally, they won't swim! They are born for the solid earth, not for the water. And naturally they won't think. They are made for life, not for thought. Yes, and he who thinks, what's more, he who makes thought his business, he may go far in it, but he has bartered the solid earth for the water all the same, and one day he will drown.

  Hermann Hesse

  Men, Thinking, Water

  "Steppenwolf". Book by Hermann Hesse, pp. 15-16, 1927.

  71 Copy quote

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• Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?

  George Carlin

  Funny, Sarcastic, Humorous

  George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

  18 Copy quote

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• I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Fear, Crazy

  78 Copy quote

• You are never too old to become younger!

  Mae West

  Sarcastic, Humorous, Maturity

  47 Copy quote

• Whatever it is, I'm against it.

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Humorous, Inspiration

  Horse Feathers (motion picture) (1932). Screenplay by Will B. Johnstone, Bert Kalmar, S. J. Perelman, and Harry Ruby.

  33 Copy quote

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• The Law is a grim, unsmiling thing. Not Justice, though. Justice is witty and whimsical and kind and caring.

  Rohinton Mistry

  Caring, Law, Justice

  Rohinton Mistry (2008). “A Fine Balance”, p.563, Faber & Faber

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• This President is going to lead us out of this recovery.

  Dan Quayle

  Funny, Recovery, Political

  13 Copy quote

• The global importance of the Middle East is that it keeps the Far East and the Near East from encroaching on each other.

  Dan Quayle

  Political, Middle East, Importance

  18 Copy quote

• Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.

  Woody Allen

  Funny, Confidence, Humorous

  78 Copy quote

• I’m going to kill myself. I should go to Paris and jump off the Eiffel Tower. I’ll be dead. you know, in fact, if I get the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier, which would be perfect. Or wait a minute. It -- with the time change, I could be alive for six hours in New York but dead three hours in Paris. I could get things done, and I could also be dead.

  Woody Allen

  New York, Humorous, Paris

  Woody Allen, Robert E. Kapsis, Kathie Coblentz (2006). “Woody Allen: Interviews”, p.160, Univ. Press of Mississippi

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• Is 'fat' really the worst thing a human being can be? Is 'fat' worse than 'vindictive', 'jealous', 'shallow', 'vain', 'boring' or 'cruel'? Not to me.

  J. K. Rowling

  Inspirational, Beauty, Wise

  84 Copy quote

• I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak.

  Woody Allen

  Funny Life, Hate, Humorous

  83 Copy quote

• Honey! Bring down a copy of my will - and an eraser!

  Woody Allen

  Humorous, Honey, Copies

  "Fictional character: Bob". "Everyone Says I Love You", 1996.

  12 Copy quote

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• I have nothing but respect for you -- and not much of that.

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Humorous, Absurd

  35 Copy quote

• Women like a man with a past, but they prefer a man with a present

  Mae West

  Sarcastic, Humorous, Past

  26 Copy quote

• If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

  George Carlin

  Funny, Sarcastic, Humorous

  27 Copy quote

• Men are my hobby, if I ever got married I'd have to give it up.

  Mae West

  Marriage, Sarcastic, Humorous

  Mae West (1967). “The wit and wisdom of Mae West”

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• Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

  George Carlin

  Inspirational, Funny, Life

  10 Copy quote

• Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

  George Carlin

  Funny, Peace, War

  "Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television". Stand-up act, edition.cnn.com. 1972.

  121 Copy quote

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• We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.

  George Carlin

  Funny, Sarcastic, Humorous

  22 Copy quote

• I'm not anti-social. I'm just not social.

  Woody Allen

  Humorous, Geek, Indifference

  27 Copy quote