I live in a bad neighborhood. Why, I saw two complete strangers share a taxi - yeah, one guy took the radio and the other guy took the tires.
I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu.... she bid me a don't.
My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.
My daughters been picked up so many times she's starting to grow handles
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
My old man never liked me. He gave me my allowance in traveler's checks.
I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.
In high school, when I played football I got no respect. I shared a locker with a mop.
My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.
Women my age just don't turn me on. That's another problem with getting older. I took out an older woman the other night, and I mean old. I told her, Act your age. She died.
Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone!
One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!
Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull.
At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.
Comedy is in my blood. Too bad it's not in my act.
I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.
When you walk up five flights of stairs at four in the morning, there's definitely a hooker involved.
For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.
Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.
I was an ugly child. I got lost on the beach. I asked a cop if he could find my parents. He said, 'I don't know. There's lots of places for them to hide'.
My mother used to rock me - and she used big rocks.
If every man was as true to his country as he was to his wife, we'd be in a lot of trouble.
I don't care how rich and successful a man is. He's nothing without an education.
At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.
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