My golf game is getting real good. Last week, I got through the windmill.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know.
When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"
You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach.
My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely.
I tell ya when I fly, I don't get no respect. I took one of those cheap flights, no frills. I finished eatin' and had to do the dishes.
I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice. I don't know if I'm coming or going.
I went to a massage parlor, it was self service.
I bought a new Japanese car, I turned on the radio ... I don't understand a word they're saying.
With my old man I got no respect. When he took me hunting he gave me a three minute head start. Then on the way home he tied me to the fender and put the deer in the car.
They say love thy neighbor as thy self , what am I supposed to do jerk him off too?
He who laughs last didn't get it in the first place.
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.
My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
When my wife drives, there's always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, There's water in the carburetor. I asked her, Where's the car? She said, In a lake.
I told my doctor, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills" and he told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper four times - three while I was reading it.
What a doctor I've got - he's really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then hit me in the balls with a hammer.
One night I asked a cabbie to take me where the action is, he took me to my house.
You take care and I hope I'll run into you - when I'm driving.
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