You take care and I hope I'll run into you - when I'm driving.
The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.
My family was a bunch of drunks. When I was six I came up missing, they put my picture on a bottle of scotch.
I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.
In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.
When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."
When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
What a childhood I had - I was ten years old when I found out Alpo was dog food.
When I was a kid, I never went to Disneyland. My ol' man told me Mickey Mouse died in a cancer experiment.
Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.
If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.
People seldom live up to their baby pictures.
My life is nothing but pressure. All pressure. This pressure is like a heaviness. It's always on top of me, this heaviness. It's always there since I'm a kid. Other people wake up in the morning, 'A new day! Ah, up and at 'em!' I wake up, the heaviness is waiting for me nice. Sometimes I even talk to it. I say [adopts cheerful voice] 'Hi, heaviness!' and the heaviness looks back at me, [in an ominous growl] 'Today you're gonna get it good. You'll be drinking early today.'
My father gave me a bat for Christmas. The first time I tried to play with it, it flew away.
I told my doctor I wonna stop aging, he gave me a gun!
Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked petite and hold on to the receipt.
I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.
They took a survey: Why do men get up in the middle of the night? Ten percent get up to go to the bathroom and 90 percent get up to go home.
I tell ya, my wife, we get along good cause we have our own arrangement. I mean, one night a week I go out with the boys and one night a week, she goes out with the boys.
She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history.
My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!
When I was a kid we were so poor, if I hadn't been a boy I wouldn't have had anything to play with.
My wife and I keep fighting about sex and money. I think she charges me too much.
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