Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.
It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.
My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.
I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.
My son's an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state?
With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
Once when I was lost I asked a policeman to help me find my parents. I said to him, 'Do you think we'll ever find them?' He answered, 'I don't know, kid. There are so many places they can hide.
I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap.
When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn't even look for me.
I told my doctor I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin.
Don't talk about yourself so much...we'll do that when you leave.
When I was a kid I got no respect. I had no friends. I remember the see-saw. I had to keep runnin' from one end to the other.
I can't figure women out. They put on makeup for three hours. They wear things that make them smaller. Things that make them bigger. Then they meet a man and they want truth.
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
...went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted. "Surprise me", I said. So he showed me a naked picture of my wife.
When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through.
The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction.
I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!
It's great to have gray hair. Ask anyone who's bald.
We were poor. we were so poor, in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white.
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