I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
You know you're old when your family talk about you in front of you. What are we going to do with Pop? We have company tonight.
I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.
With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back.
Steak and sex, my favorite pair. I get them both very rare.
I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!
When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right.
I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor; they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, ' On your mark...'
I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.
People say fish is good for a diet. But fish should never be cooked in butter. Fish should be cooked in its natural oils - Texaco, Mobil, Exxon .
I'm tellin' ya I get no respect. When I was in Switzerland, I got an obscene yodel.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, I'm gonna run away from home. She said, On your mark.
Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: 'Basement?'
I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.
I took my son to Coney island, I said "wanna go in the crazy house?", he said "save your money we'll be home soon"!
My wife gives good headache.
She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.
My son's an idiot. He sprained his ankle playing golf. He fell off the ballwasher.
When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's.
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