I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."
I come from a stupid family. My uncle heard that most deaths occurs within ten miles of the house...so he moved.
My wife had her drivers’ test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.
Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me.
I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.
My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."
Never tell your wife she's bad in bed. She'll go out and get a second opinion.
To me, Viagra is the same as Disneyland. You wait an hour for a two-minute ride.
Better to keep quiet and let people think you're an idiot than speak up and confirm it.
What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
I figured out I'm bisexual. I have sex twice a year.
I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
My wife was afraid of the dark. Then she saw me naked, and now she's afraid of the light.
For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.
One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out".
I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.
Life is full of temporary situations, ultimately ending in a permanent solution.
I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.
Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.
My golf game is getting real good. Last week, I got through the windmill.
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