My cousin is gay, in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.
At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.
With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!
At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me !
We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again.
I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities.
My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.
When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight.
If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.
Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.
My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.
I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard!
One day as I came home early, I saw a man jogging naked. I said to the guy, 'Hey, buddy, why are you doing that?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'
I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.
I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!
my wifes cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens
If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.
With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.
I once had a problem ... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank.
My ex-wife is a water sign and I'm an earth sign. Together we made mud.
I had a date with an inflatable girl. Now I got an inflatable guy looking for me.
I tell ya, it's tough to save a buck. Right now I'm supporting two fighters. My wife and her mother.
Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel.
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