Childbirth is no more a miracle then eating food and a turd coming out of your ass.
I'm sorry if any of you are Catholic. I'm not sorry if you're offended, I'm actually just sorry by the fact that you're Catholic.
People in the U.K. share my bemusement with the United States that America doesn't share with itself. They have a sense of irony, which America doesn't have, seeing as it's being run by fundamentalists who take things literally.
I've been on what I call my UFO Tour, which means, like UFOs, I too have been appearing in small southern towns in front of a handful of hillbillies lately.
What do you say we lighten things up and talk about abortion?
We'll see who believes in me now. I am the Prankster God - I am killing me!
I'm just skin covering coffee and some real nervous teeth.
Will there be titty? Sure. Boom! I'm a producer. Where you been all our life, boy? We been lookin for you in Hollywood.
I saw a sign on the side of the road in Tennessee once that said 'dirt for sale'... what a great country we live in. DIRT for sale. How would you like to get inside that guy's mind and look around for a hour? That guy sees opportunity at every glance, doesn't he?
I was in Australia....Lotta leg room down under. Apartments: dollar a month. 2000-acre den....think of the parties.
Billy Ray Cyrus does not smoke. Michael Bolton doesn't...Paula Abdul doesn't...there does seem to be a pattern.
Well we looked at all the people in the Bible and we added 'em up all the way back to Adam and Eve, their ages: 12,000 years.
I got this big fear of doing smoking jokes in my act and showing up five years from now goin' [puts mic to his neck and speaks as if he had a mechanical larynx] 'good evening everybody, remember me, smoking's bad. [puts cigarette to neck and mimics smoking it] Eeww. You ever seen somebody do that? I've seen someone do that. Let me tell you something — if you're smoking out of a hole in your neck [mimics it again] I'd think about quitting. And that's just me, ya know.
Let's do some comedy. I always like to add some comedy to my show. Those who've seen me before might know that.
No one knows what it's like ... to be a dustbin ... in Shaftesbury ... with hooligans.
That's what I'm gonna do: quit gradually...I'm gonna lose one lung; little while later I'm gonna lose the other one.
Sometimes you feel in control, and it's great, but sometimes you just don't feel in control and you really have to struggle to get laughs.
Right foot, left foot, hemorrhage.
I'm totally confused about what I'm going to do with my life.
I don't know what you all believe, and I don't really care ... but you have to admit that beliefs are odd. Lots of Christians wear crosses around their necks ... you really think when Jesus comes back, he ever wants to see a fucking cross?
Mushrooms grow on cow turds. I love that. I think that's why you giggle the first hour.
I'm not into those kind of rivalries. I remember standing out in front of Stratford, minding my own business. Carload of about eighty kids would pull up: 'STRATFORD SUCKS!' Am I supposed to run after these guys? I'd just stand there, you know. They'd back up. 'STRATFORD SUCKS! ...STRATFORD SUCKS!' I'd say, 'I know. I go there. You're wasting gas, man.
I'll smoke, I'll cough, I'll get the tumors, I'll die, deal? Thank you America. [salutes]
In Australia...they celebrate Easter the same...by telling our children a giant bunny rabbit...left chocolate eggs in the night
It's really weird how your life changes. Tonight I'm drinking water. Four years ago? Opium. Night and day, you know?
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