It's you people dying from nothing that are screwed. I got all sorts of neat gadgets waiting for me...oxygen tent, iron lung.
The definition of black irony is Pro-lifers killing Doctors who do abortions
I've had good times on drugs...bad times on drugs...But I've had good and bad relationships...and I'm not giving up pussy.
I don't do drugs anymore... than, say, the average touring funk band.
Dinosaur fossils were placed in rocks by prankster God just to make human beings think the world is older than it is.
I was a weekend drinker...I'd start on Saturday, end on Friday...thought I was controlling it...but I don't drink any more.
I began working quite young, writing, growing, maturing, always striving to top myself - to make people laugh hard at things they know and believe deep in their hearts to be true.
I love talking about the Kennedy assasination. The reason I do is because I'm fascinated by it. I'm fascinated that our government could lie to us so blatantly, so obviously for so long, and we do absolutely nothing about it. I think that's interesting in what is ostensibly a democracy. Sarcasm - come on in. People say Bill, quit talking about Kennedy man. It was a long time ago, just let it go, alright? It's a long time ago, just forget it. I'm like, alright, then don't bring up Jesus to me. As long as we're talking shelf life here.
Marijuana grows naturally...Don't you think making nature against the law seems a bit, I don't know, unnatural?
We killed 6 innocent people, launching 22, I think $3 million apiece missiles on Baghdad...that's a little bit overdoing it.
On the theft of his material by Denis Leary: "I have a scoop for you. I stole his act. I camouflaged it with punchlines, and to really throw people off, I did it before he did."
We are one with God and He loves us. Now if that isn't a hazard to this country-How're we gonna keep building nuclear weapons?
I guess what surprised me the most was the discrepancy in casualties: Iraq, one hundred fifty thousand casualties, USA: seventy-nine! Let's go over those numbers again, they're a little baffling at first: Iraq: 150,000, USA: 79. Does that mean we could have won with only 80 guys there? Just one guy in a ticker-tape parade, "I did it! Hey!"
Surgeon General's warning ought to read: Smoking has been determined t0 cause cancer, heart disease & rednecks with seniority.
But where did this veneration of childbirth come from? I missed that meeting. Childbirth is wonderful, childbirth is a miracle. Wrong. It's no more a miracle than eating food and a turd coming out your ass.
See we just had a misunderstanding. I thought we lived in the U.S. of A., the United States of America. But actually we live in the U.S. of A., the United States of Advertising. Freedom of expression is guaranteed? If you've got the money!
BTW A 24 week old embryo is not a human being. You're not a human being until you're in my phone book.
Nonsmokers--this is for you and you only. Ready? Nonsmokers die every day. Sleep tight.
[Comedy] is an escape from illusions. The audience is...thinking, 'This bullshit we see and hear all day makes no sense.'
Writing, acting, music, comedy. A deep love of literature and books. Thank God for all the artists who've helped me.
Are gun rights advocates arguing that roving gangs...shooting innocent bystanders constitutes a 'well-regulated militia'?
Rock stars hawking Diet Cokes--are demons set loose on the Earth to lower the standards for the perfect & holy children of God!
Mummy, I woke today and there was a Lincoln Log in me sock drawer! ... That's the story of Jesus.
How about a positive LSD story? Wouldn't that be news-worthy, just the once? To base your decision on information rather than scare tactics and superstition and lies? I think it would be news-worthy.
I believe that God left certain drugs growing naturally upon our planet to help speed up and facilitate our evolution. OK, not the most popular idea ever expressed. Either that or you're all real high and agreeing with me in the only way you can right now. (Starts blinking)
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