Comedian Quotes - Page 38

• The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever seen that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. ‘Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in the back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off, I’ve got the toe clippers right here.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Funny, War, Fighting

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• Like the burlesque comedian, I am abnormally fond of that precision which creates movement.

  e. e. cummings

  Movement, Burlesque, Precision

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• If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Cat

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• Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

  George Carlin

  Funny, Life, Witty

  George Carlin (2015). “3 x Carlin: An Orgy of George including Brain Droppings, Napalm and Silly Putty, and When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?”, p.205, Hachette UK

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• I have heard it said that a complicated childhood can lead to a life in the arts. I tell you this story of my father and me to let you know I am qualified to be a comedian.

  Steve Martin

  Funny, Art, Father

  Steve Martin (2008). “Born Standing Up: A Comic's Life”, p.32, Simon and Schuster

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• Comedians and jazz musicians have been more comforting and enlightening to me than preachers or politicians or philosophers or poets or painters or novelists of my time. Historians in the future, in my opinion, will congratulate us on very little other than our clowning and our jazz.

  Kurt Vonnegut

  Comforting, Musician, Novelists

  Kurt Vonnegut (1982). “Palm Sunday: An Autobiographical Collage”, Dell Books

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• Well, what do you expect? The Comedian is dead.

  Alan Moore

  Wells

  "Watchmen". Comic book miniseries by Alan Moore, 1986-1987.

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• I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Bird

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• If God had perceived that our greatest need was economic, he would have sent an economist. If he had perceived that our greatest need was entertainment, he would have sent us a comedian or an artist. If God had perceived that our greatest need was political stability, he would have sent us a politician. If he had perceived that our greatest need was health, he would have sent us a doctor. But he perceived that our greatest need involved our sin, our alienation from him, our profound rebellion, our death; and he sent us a Savior.

  D. A. Carson

  Artist, Doctors, Profound

  D. A. Carson (1992). “A Call to Spiritual Reformation: Priorities from Paul and His Prayers”, p.109, Baker Academic

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• Anything to declare? the customs inspector said."Two pound of uncut heroin and a manual of pornographic art," Mark answered, looking about for Kity. All Americans are comedians, the inspector thought, as he passed Parker through. A government tourist hostess approached him."Are you Mr. Mark Parker?""Guilty.

  Leon Uris

  Art, Government, Two

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• Someone who makes you laugh is a comedian. Someone who makes you think and then laugh is a humorist.

  George Burns

  Thinking, Laughing, Make You Think

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• I, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let me tell you, there's nothin' like it. It's a great feeling. Yeah, I know, you're thinking. 'Aw, he's a comedian. He's just sayin' that stuff.' Good. That's exactly what I want you to think.

  George Carlin

  Thinking, People, Feelings

  George Carlin (2015). “3 x Carlin: An Orgy of George including Brain Droppings, Napalm and Silly Putty, and When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?”, p.175, Hachette UK

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• Laughter is good for you. Nine out of ten stand-up comedians recommend laughter in the face of intense stupidity.

  Jim Butcher

  Laughter, Laughing, Stupidity

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• Ask any comedian, tennis player, chef. Timing is everything.

  Meg Rosoff

  Player, Tennis, Chef

  Meg Rosoff (2007). “Just in Case”, p.85, Penguin UK

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• Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.

  George Carlin

  Fun, Sleep, Years

  George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

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• Cancer is probably the most unfunny thing in the world, but I'm a comedian, and even cancer couldn't stop me from seeing the humor in what I went through.

  Gilda Radner

  Happiness, Laughter, Cancer

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• Every comedian is furious. Age makes me angry. I'm unhappy at not being able to open packages anymore. I'm angry that libraries have gone. I hate children on planes. I'm very shallow, so they tend to be little things. To be honest, I think I was probably angry the day I was born, you know, about diapers or something.

  Joan Rivers

  Children, Hate, Thinking

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• Outsiders develop humor as a defense; why do you think most comedians are gay or Jewish?

  Paul Lynde

  Gay, Thinking, Defense

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• I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout. That's where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and go to my sister's house and ask her for money.

  Kevin Meaney

  Funny, Workout, House

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• If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me.

  Bobcat Goldthwait

  Funny, Advice, Police

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• My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One day, he took me aside and left me there.

  Ron Richards

  Funny, Humorous, Giving

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• Joke number 1, I have a bit of a problem with jokes, bit of a handicap for a comedian obviously, um, I tend to bail out of the joke, I lose commitment in it, I'll give you an example: Three blokes go into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.

  Bill Bailey

  Stupid, Commitment, Numbers

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• There are a couple of things I want to impart to ladies who want to be in comedy: One, you don’t have to be weird or be quirky to get your job done. And two, comedy skill is not sexually transmittable. You do not have to sleep with a comedian to learn what you’re doing. Male comedians will not like that advice, but it is the truth.

  Tina Fey

  Jobs, Couple, Sleep

  "The Real Tina Fey" by A.J.Jacobs, www.esquire.com. April 13, 2010.

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• Once or twice I`ve been described as a light comedian. I consider this the most accurate description of my abilities I`ve ever seen.

  Bing Crosby

  Light, Description, Ability

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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• Some comedians love their characters. I don't fall in love with mine. In fact, I get tired of them very fast. You have to be willing to throw it all away.

  John Belushi

  Falling In Love, Tired, Character

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

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