Witty One Liners Quotes

• Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

  Oscar Wilde

  Funny, Life, Happiness

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  350 Copy quote

  Show source

• There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who cannot.

  George Carlin

  Mathematical Logic, People, Three

  20 Copy quote
• 

  Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

  Miles Kington

  Funny, Hilarious, Wise

  The Independent (UK), March 28, 2003.

  419 Copy quote

  Show source
• 

  I love deadlines. I like the whooshing noise they make as they go by.

  Douglas Adams

  Love, Inspirational, Hilarious

  "The Salmon of Doubt: Hitchhiking the Galaxy One Last Time (Dirk Gently, Book 3)". Book by Douglas Adams, 2002.

  82 Copy quote

  Show source

• The second mouse gets the cheese!

  Terry Pratchett

  Funny, Witty, Iron

  10 Copy quote

• The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Witty, Time

  551 Copy quote

• I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Life, Sarcastic

  In Leo Rosten People I have Loved, Known or Admired (1970) "Groucho"

  49 Copy quote

  Show source

• My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Leadership, Sarcastic

  "Mitch All Together". Live album by Mitch Hedberg, December 9, 2003.

  70 Copy quote

  Show source

• I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.

  Oscar Wilde

  Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

  11 Copy quote

• Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

  George Burns

  Love, Inspirational, Funny

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

  118 Copy quote

  Show source

• I am not afraid of death. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

  Woody Allen

  Inspirational, Funny, Life

  "Death: A Comedy in One Act". Book by Woody Allen, 1975.

  80 Copy quote

  Show source

• Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

  W. C. Fields

  Love, Inspirational, Life

  55 Copy quote

• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Life, Sarcastic

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

  82 Copy quote

  Show source

• Two wrongs don't make a right.

  Roald Dahl

  Revenge, Humorous, Math

  Roald Dahl (2016). “The GFG: The Guid Freendly Giant: The BFG in Scots”, p.145, Black & White Publishing

  17 Copy quote

  Show source

• Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

  Oscar Wilde

  Funny, Life, Hilarious

  109 Copy quote

• A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station….

  William Faulkner

  Bus Stops, Logical, Desks

  48 Copy quote

• If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

  Earl Wilson

  Inspirational, Funny, Motivational

  186 Copy quote

• When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

  Steven Wright

  Life, Positive, Success

  38 Copy quote

• Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.

  P. J. O'Rourke

  Funny, Life, Sarcastic

  P. J. O'Rourke (2007). “The Bachelor Home Companion: A Practical Guide to Keeping House Like a Pig”, p.124, Grove/Atlantic, Inc.

  12 Copy quote

  Show source

• If you can't convince them, confuse them.

  Harry S. Truman

  Witty, Business, Silly

  Harry S. Truman, Steve Neal (2003). “Miracle of Forty-eight”, p.139, SIU Press

  25 Copy quote

  Show source

• Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.

  Mark Twain

  Inspirational, Funny, Sarcastic

  Mark Twain (2015). “Bite-Size Twain: Wit and Wisdom from the Literary Legend”, p.88, St. Martin's Press

  17 Copy quote

  Show source

• I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.

  Jack Lemmon

  Funny, Music, Morning

  81 Copy quote

• The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.

  Brendan Behan

  Funny, Marriage, Sexy

  "Readers recommend: songs about prostitution" by Peter Kimpton, www.theguardian.com. July 24, 2014.

  10 Copy quote

  Show source

• I feel sorry for people who do not have a Bible to lean on.

  Adrian Rogers

  Sorry, Drinking, Beer

  Adrian Rogers, Steve Rogers (2012). “What Every Christian Ought to Know”, p.25, B&H Publishing Group

  6 Copy quote

  Show source

• Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

  Woody Allen

  Love, Funny, Life

  368 Copy quote