Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who cannot.
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing noise they make as they go by.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
I am not afraid of death. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
The second mouse gets the cheese!
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station….
A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
Two wrongs don't make a right.
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
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