Witty Quotes - Page 29

• We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.

  Lily Tomlin

  Sex, Believe, Funny Relationship

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• Politics and prostitution have to be the only jobs where inexperience is considered a virtue. In what other profession would you brag about not knowing stuff? “I’m not one of those fancy Harvard heart surgeons. I’m just an unlicensed plumber with a dream and I’d like to cut your chest open.” The crowd cheers.

  Tina Fey

  Dream, Jobs, Cheer

  "Bossypants". Book by Tina Fey, April 5, 2011.

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• Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand.

  Kurt Vonnegut

  Funny, Sarcastic, Hipster

  Kurt Vonnegut (2016). “If This Isn't Nice What Is? (Much) Expanded Second Edition: The Graduation Speeches and Other Words to Live By”, p.131, RosettaBooks

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• I was a little excited but mostly blorft. "Blorft" is an adjective I just made up that means 'Completely overwhelmed but proceeding as if everything is fine and reacting to the stress with the torpor of a possum.' I have been blorft every day for the past seven years.

  Tina Fey

  Stress, Mean, Past

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• John you say you met in an elevator. Was the elevator going up at the time, or down? This is very important, for going down in an elevator one always has that sinking feeling and for all I know you may have this confused with love. If you were going up, it is clearly a case of love at first sight.

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Confused, Humorous

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• (My proudest moment as a child was the time I beat my uncle Pierre at Scrabble with the seven-letter word FARTING.)

  Tina Fey

  Uncles, Children, Scrabble

  "Bossypants". Book by Tina Fey, October 13, 2011.

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• Gay people don’t actually try to convert people. That’s Jehovah’s Witnesses you’re thinking of.

  Tina Fey

  Gay, Thinking, People

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• You have to remember that actors are human beings. Which is hard sometimes because they look so much better than human beings.

  Tina Fey

  Looks, Actors, Remember

  Tina Fey (2011). “Bossypants”, p.75, Hachette UK

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• It will never be perfect, but perfect is overrated. Perfect is boring on live TV.

  Tina Fey

  Perfect, Tvs, Boring

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• Most young women do not welcome promiscuous advances. (Either that, or my luck's terrible.)

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Humorous, Good Luck

  Groucho Marx (2008). “Memoirs Of A Mangy Lover”, p.88, Da Capo Press

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• Even the intellectual crowd will have none of me. Physically, I look like one of them. Graying at the temples, I walk with a slight limp and wear thick glasses.

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Humorous, Glasses

  Groucho Marx (2008). “Memoirs Of A Mangy Lover”, p.94, Da Capo Press

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• Bel Air, I am convinced, was laid out by some diabolic sadist who deliberately decided not to use a compass or a surveyor.

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Humorous, Air

  Groucho Marx (2008). “Memoirs Of A Mangy Lover”, p.98, Da Capo Press

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• Obviously, as an adult I realize this girl-on-girl sabotage is the third worst kind of female behavior, right behind saying "like" all the time and leaving your baby in a dumpster.

  Tina Fey

  Funny, Girl, Baby

  Tina Fey (2011). “Bossypants”, p.25, Hachette UK

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• I'll sleep when I'm dead.

  Warren Zevon

  Funny, Humorous, Sleep

  Song: I'll Sleep When I'm Dead

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• I have found men who didn't know how to kiss. I've always found time to teach them.

  Mae West

  Love, Funny, Sarcastic

  Mae West (1959). “Goodness Had Nothing to Do with it: Autobiography”, Chelsea House

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• You will notice that what we are aiming at when we fall in love is a very strange paradox. The paradox consists of the fact that, when we fall in love, we are seeking to re-find all or some of the people to whom we were attached as children. On the other hand, we ask our beloved to correct all of the wrongs that these early parents or siblings inflicted upon us. So that love contains in it the contradiction: The attempt to return to the past and the attempt to undo the past.

  Woody Allen

  Falling In Love, Children, Sibling

  "Fictional character: Professor Levy". "Crimes and Misdemeanors", www.imdb.com. 1989.

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• I just can't listen to any more Wagner, you know...I'm starting to get the urge to conquer Poland.

  Woody Allen

  Humorous, Conquer, Absurd

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• I should go to Paris and jump off of the Eiffel Tower. If I took the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier.

  Woody Allen

  Humorous, Paris, Three

  "Fictional character: Joe". "Everyone Says I Love You", 1996.

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• I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time. She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.

  Woody Allen

  Girl, Religious, Atheist

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• I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. I don't want to live on in the hearts of my countrymen; I want to live on in my apartment.

  Woody Allen

  Humorous, Heart, Dying

  "Behind the Scenes Of The Klingon Art of War". StarTrek Interview, www.startrek.com. May 05, 2014.

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• A deranged person is supposed to have the strength of ten men. I have the strength of one small boy... with polio.

  Woody Allen

  Humorous, Boys, Men

  "Fictional character: Kleinman". "Shadows and Fog", www.imdb.com. 1991.

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• We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives.

  Woody Allen

  Humorous, Books And Movies, Geek

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• There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount of food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately. When the affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating. Under no circumstances can the food be omitted.

  Judith Martin

  Love, Inspirational, Sex

  Judith Martin (1982). “Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior”, Scribner

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• I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible are like, I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you're miserable, because that's very lucky, to be miserable.

  Woody Allen

  Life And Love, Humorous, Two

  Annie Hall, www.imdb.com. 1977.

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• If it turns out that there is a God...the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.

  Woody Allen

  Atheist, Philosophy, Humorous

  Love and Death (1975 film)

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