Witty Quotes - Page 33

• Men are my hobby, if I ever got married I'd have to give it up.

  Mae West

  Marriage, Sarcastic, Humorous

  Mae West (1967). “The wit and wisdom of Mae West”

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• Good women are no fun... The only good woman I can recall in history was Betsy Ross. And all she ever made was a flag.

  Mae West

  Sarcastic, Fun, Humorous

  9 Copy quote

• A good motto to live by: "Always try not to get killed.

  George Carlin

  Funny, Life, Sarcastic

  21 Copy quote

• Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

  George Carlin

  Inspirational, Funny, Life

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• Most men will not swim before they are able to.' Is not that witty? Naturally, they won't swim! They are born for the solid earth, not for the water. And naturally they won't think. They are made for life, not for thought. Yes, and he who thinks, what's more, he who makes thought his business, he may go far in it, but he has bartered the solid earth for the water all the same, and one day he will drown.

  Hermann Hesse

  Men, Thinking, Water

  "Steppenwolf". Book by Hermann Hesse, pp. 15-16, 1927.

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• Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

  George Carlin

  Funny, Peace, War

  "Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television". Stand-up act, edition.cnn.com. 1972.

  121 Copy quote

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• Your self-esteem is a notch below Kafka.

  Woody Allen

  Self Esteem, Humorous, Notches

  "Fictional character: Isaac". "Manhattan", 1979.

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• You rely too much on brain. The brain is the most overrated organ.

  Woody Allen

  Humorous, Brain, Manhattan

  9 Copy quote

• Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?

  George Carlin

  Funny, Sarcastic, Humorous

  George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

  18 Copy quote

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• We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.

  George Carlin

  Funny, Sarcastic, Humorous

  22 Copy quote

• I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Fear, Crazy

  78 Copy quote

• I'm not anti-social. I'm just not social.

  Woody Allen

  Humorous, Geek, Indifference

  27 Copy quote

• You are never too old to become younger!

  Mae West

  Sarcastic, Humorous, Maturity

  47 Copy quote

• Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.

  George Carlin

  Funny, Sarcastic, Humorous

  257 Copy quote

• The biggest defeat in every department of life is to forget, especially the things that have done you in, and to die without realizing how far people can go in the way of crumminess. When the grave lies open before us, let's not try to be witty, but record the worst of human viciousness we've seen without changing one word. When that's done, we can curl up our toes and sink into the pit. That's work enough for a lifetime.

  Louis-Ferdinand Celine

  Lying, Hands, People

  "Journey to the End of the Night". Book by Louis-Ferdinand Celine, 1932.

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• If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

  George Carlin

  Inspirational, Funny, Trying

  183 Copy quote

• If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

  George Carlin

  Funny, Sarcastic, Humorous

  184 Copy quote

• The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend.

  George Carlin

  Funny, Christian, Sarcastic

  5 Copy quote

• Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

  George Carlin

  Funny, Sarcastic, Humorous

  79 Copy quote

• People always tell me "Have a nice day." Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?

  George Carlin

  Funny, Sarcastic, Nice

  54 Copy quote

• Curiosity, that's what kills us. Not muggers or all that bullshit about the ozone layer. It's our own hearts and minds.

  Woody Allen

  Humorous, Heart, Ozone

  "Mighty Aphrodite". www.imdb.com. 1995.

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• No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club, association, neighborhood improvement committee; I have no interest in any of it. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.

  George Carlin

  Funny, Sarcastic, Humorous

  George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

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• Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes.

  George Carlin

  Inspirational, Funny, Life

  96 Copy quote

• I'm single because I was born that way.

  Mae West

  Sarcastic, Freedom, Women

  Mae West (1967). “The wit and wisdom of Mae West”

  34 Copy quote

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• I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.

  Woody Allen

  Funny, Life, Humorous

  44 Copy quote