Witty Quotes - Page 32

• I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak.

  Woody Allen

  Funny Life, Hate, Humorous

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• The Law is a grim, unsmiling thing. Not Justice, though. Justice is witty and whimsical and kind and caring.

  Rohinton Mistry

  Caring, Law, Justice

  Rohinton Mistry (2008). “A Fine Balance”, p.563, Faber & Faber

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• Any one who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

  John von Neumann

  Powerful, Humorous, Science

  "Various techniques used in connection with random digits" by John von Neumann in "Monte Carlo Method" edited by A.S. Householder, G.E. Forsythe and H.H. Germond, 1951.

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• Well, remember what you said, because in a day or two, I'll have a witty and blistering retort! You'll be devastated THEN

  Bill Watterson

  Two, Remember, Retorts

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• Honey! Bring down a copy of my will - and an eraser!

  Woody Allen

  Humorous, Honey, Copies

  "Fictional character: Bob". "Everyone Says I Love You", 1996.

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• If a little is great, and a lot is better, then way too much is just about right!

  Mae West

  Sarcastic, Humorous, Littles

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• The only real laughter comes from despair.

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Laughter, Real

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• I have nothing but respect for you -- and not much of that.

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Humorous, Absurd

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• Whatever it is, I'm against it.

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Humorous, Inspiration

  Horse Feathers (motion picture) (1932). Screenplay by Will B. Johnstone, Bert Kalmar, S. J. Perelman, and Harry Ruby.

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• I can levitate birds. No one cares.

  Woody Allen

  Humorous, Bird, Care

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• Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.

  George W. Bush

  Country, Peace, Silly

  George W. Bush “Public Papers of the Presidents of the United States, George W. Bush, 2004, Book 2, July 1 to September 30, 2004”, Government Printing Office

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• She's so in love with me, she doesn't know anything. That's why she's in love with me.

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Humorous, Inspiration

  "Fictional character: Dr. Hackenbush". "A Day at the Races", www.imdb.com. 1937.

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• Women like a man with a past, but they prefer a man with a present

  Mae West

  Sarcastic, Humorous, Past

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• It's never just a game when you're winning.

  George Carlin

  Funny, Sarcastic, Humorous

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• This guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, Doc, my brother’s crazy. He thinks he’s a chicken. The doctor says, Well, why don’t you turn him in? And the guy says, I would but I need the eggs. Well I guess that’s pretty much how I feel about relationships. You know they’re totally irrational and crazy and absurd but I guess we keep going through it because, uh, most of us need the eggs.

  Woody Allen

  Brother, Crazy, Humorous

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• There is no question that there is an unseen world. The problem is, how far is it from midtown and how late is it open?

  Woody Allen

  New York, Humorous, Unseen

  Woody Allen (2007). “The Insanity Defense: The Complete Prose”, Random House Incorporated

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• Now it was just the three of us: the leader, the warrior, and the kid about to wet his pants. Guess who I was.

  D. J. MacHale

  Kids, Warrior, Leader

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• If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

  George Carlin

  Funny, Sarcastic, Humorous

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• Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.

  George Carlin

  Funny, Sarcastic, Humorous

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• I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

  George Carlin

  Funny, Sarcastic, Real

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• Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers.

  George Carlin

  Funny, Sarcastic, Baby

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• Men are my hobby, if I ever got married I'd have to give it up.

  Mae West

  Marriage, Sarcastic, Humorous

  Mae West (1967). “The wit and wisdom of Mae West”

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• Good women are no fun... The only good woman I can recall in history was Betsy Ross. And all she ever made was a flag.

  Mae West

  Sarcastic, Fun, Humorous

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• A good motto to live by: "Always try not to get killed.

  George Carlin

  Funny, Life, Sarcastic

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• Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

  George Carlin

  Inspirational, Funny, Life

  10 Copy quote