Witty Quotes - Page 30

• I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time. She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.

  Woody Allen

  Girl, Religious, Atheist

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• I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. I don't want to live on in the hearts of my countrymen; I want to live on in my apartment.

  Woody Allen

  Humorous, Heart, Dying

  "Behind the Scenes Of The Klingon Art of War". StarTrek Interview, www.startrek.com. May 05, 2014.

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• A deranged person is supposed to have the strength of ten men. I have the strength of one small boy... with polio.

  Woody Allen

  Humorous, Boys, Men

  "Fictional character: Kleinman". "Shadows and Fog", www.imdb.com. 1991.

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• We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives.

  Woody Allen

  Humorous, Books And Movies, Geek

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• If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

  George Carlin

  Funny, Sarcastic, Humorous

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• There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount of food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately. When the affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating. Under no circumstances can the food be omitted.

  Judith Martin

  Love, Inspirational, Sex

  Judith Martin (1982). “Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior”, Scribner

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• I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible are like, I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you're miserable, because that's very lucky, to be miserable.

  Woody Allen

  Life And Love, Humorous, Two

  Annie Hall, www.imdb.com. 1977.

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• If it turns out that there is a God...the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.

  Woody Allen

  Atheist, Philosophy, Humorous

  Love and Death (1975 film)

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• Beauty fades, dumb is forever.

  Judy Sheindlin

  Funny, Beauty, Forever

  Judy Sheindlin (1999). “Beauty Fades, Dumb Is Forever: The Making of a Happy Woman”, Harper

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• I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Humorous, Inspiration

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• You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

  Gilbert K. Chesterton

  Spiritual, Truth, Powerful

  Daily News, February 25, 1905.

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• I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.

  Woody Allen

  Funny, Humorous, Clubs

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• Today a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration, that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves. Here's Tom with the Weather.

  Bill Hicks

  Funny, Dream, Philosophy

  "Sane Man". Documentary, Comedy, 1989.

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• My brain? It's my second favorite organ!

  Woody Allen

  Humorous, Brain, Organs

  "Fictional character: Miles Monroe". "Sleeper", www.imdb.com. 1973.

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• In spite of the cost of living, it's still popular.

  Kathleen Norris

  Funny, Life, Money

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• Well-behaved women seldom make history.

  Laurel Thatcher Ulrich

  Funny, Strength, Inspiring

  Laurel Thatcher Ulrich (2015). “The Slogan”, Vintage

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• Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.

  Woody Allen

  Humorous, Catholic, Religion

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• I frankly felt like the reception we received on the way in from the airport was very warm and hospitable. And I want to thank the Canadian people who came out to wave -- with all five fingers -- for their hospitality.

  George W. Bush

  Airports, People, Want

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• Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Funny, Running, Jobs

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• Any one who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

  John von Neumann

  Powerful, Humorous, Science

  "Various techniques used in connection with random digits" by John von Neumann in "Monte Carlo Method" edited by A.S. Householder, G.E. Forsythe and H.H. Germond, 1951.

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• The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can’t fool around. If you write about someone else, you can stretch the truth from here to Finland. If you write about yourself the slightest deviation makes you realize instantly that there may be honor among thieves, but you are just a dirty liar.

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Liars, Humorous

  Groucho Marx (2009). “Groucho And Me”, p.28, Da Capo Press

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• We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.

  Lily Tomlin

  Sex, Believe, Funny Relationship

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• Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand.

  Kurt Vonnegut

  Funny, Sarcastic, Hipster

  Kurt Vonnegut (2016). “If This Isn't Nice What Is? (Much) Expanded Second Edition: The Graduation Speeches and Other Words to Live By”, p.131, RosettaBooks

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• How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

  Woody Allen

  Funny, God, Atheist

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• I'm short enough and ugly enough to succeed on my own.

  Woody Allen

  Humorous, Ugly, Succeed

  "Play It Again, Sam". www.imdb.com. 1972.

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