Witty Quotes - Page 31

• We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.

  Lily Tomlin

  Sex, Believe, Funny Relationship

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• Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand.

  Kurt Vonnegut

  Funny, Sarcastic, Hipster

  Kurt Vonnegut (2016). “If This Isn't Nice What Is? (Much) Expanded Second Edition: The Graduation Speeches and Other Words to Live By”, p.131, RosettaBooks

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• If you're not having fun, you're doing something wrong.

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Wisdom, Humorous

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• How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

  Woody Allen

  Funny, God, Atheist

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• I'm short enough and ugly enough to succeed on my own.

  Woody Allen

  Humorous, Ugly, Succeed

  "Play It Again, Sam". www.imdb.com. 1972.

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• God is silent. Now if only man would shut up.

  Woody Allen

  God, Humorous, Men

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• Other people are quite dreadful. The only possible society is oneself.

  Oscar Wilde

  People, Conformity, Ideal Husband

  Oscar Wilde, Alyssa Harad (2005). “The Importance of Being Earnest and Other Plays”, p.251, Simon and Schuster

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• I never go to movies where the hero's tits are bigger than the heroine's.

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Hero, Humorous

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• The greatest risk is to risk nothing at all

  Leo Buscaglia

  Funny, Risk

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• I don't know how you feel, but I'm pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with churches? Tax them. If holy people are so interested in politics, government, and public policy, let them pay the price of admission like everybody else. The Catholic Church alone could wipe out the national debt if all you did was tax their real estate.

  George Carlin

  Funny, Sarcastic, Real

  George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

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• You are never too old to become younger!

  Mae West

  Sarcastic, Humorous, Maturity

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• Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

  George Carlin

  Funny, Life, Honesty

  George Carlin (2015). “3 x Carlin: An Orgy of George including Brain Droppings, Napalm and Silly Putty, and When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?”, p.205, Hachette UK

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• People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.

  Bill Watterson

  Inspirational, Funny, Thinking

  "The Revenge of the Baby-Sat". Book by Bill Watterson, April 1991.

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• Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.

  Woody Allen

  Funny, Confidence, Humorous

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• I’m going to kill myself. I should go to Paris and jump off the Eiffel Tower. I’ll be dead. you know, in fact, if I get the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier, which would be perfect. Or wait a minute. It -- with the time change, I could be alive for six hours in New York but dead three hours in Paris. I could get things done, and I could also be dead.

  Woody Allen

  New York, Humorous, Paris

  Woody Allen, Robert E. Kapsis, Kathie Coblentz (2006). “Woody Allen: Interviews”, p.160, Univ. Press of Mississippi

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• Those who can't do, teach. And those who can't teach, teach gym.

  Woody Allen

  Humorous, Annie Hall, Teach

  Woody Allen, Marshall Brickman (2000). “Annie Hall: scénario bilingue”

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• I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate...eh...spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.

  Woody Allen

  Funny, New Year, Humorous

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• Facts are the enemy of truth.

  Miguel de Cervantes

  Humorous, Inspiration, Enemy

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• I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

  George Carlin

  Funny, Sarcastic, Mother

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• It is a curious fact that people are never so trivial as when they take themselves seriously

  Oscar Wilde

  Funny, Humor, People

  Oscar Wilde (2014). “A Critic in Pall Mall: Being Extracts from Reviews and Miscellanies”, p.147, Simon and Schuster

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• Is 'fat' really the worst thing a human being can be? Is 'fat' worse than 'vindictive', 'jealous', 'shallow', 'vain', 'boring' or 'cruel'? Not to me.

  J. K. Rowling

  Inspirational, Beauty, Wise

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• I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak.

  Woody Allen

  Funny Life, Hate, Humorous

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• The Law is a grim, unsmiling thing. Not Justice, though. Justice is witty and whimsical and kind and caring.

  Rohinton Mistry

  Caring, Law, Justice

  Rohinton Mistry (2008). “A Fine Balance”, p.563, Faber & Faber

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• Any one who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

  John von Neumann

  Powerful, Humorous, Science

  "Various techniques used in connection with random digits" by John von Neumann in "Monte Carlo Method" edited by A.S. Householder, G.E. Forsythe and H.H. Germond, 1951.

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• Well, remember what you said, because in a day or two, I'll have a witty and blistering retort! You'll be devastated THEN

  Bill Watterson

  Two, Remember, Retorts

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