Witty Quotes - Page 34

• I'm single because I was born that way.

  Mae West

  Sarcastic, Freedom, Women

  Mae West (1967). “The wit and wisdom of Mae West”

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• I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.

  Woody Allen

  Funny, Life, Humorous

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• This guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, Doc, my brother’s crazy. He thinks he’s a chicken. The doctor says, Well, why don’t you turn him in? And the guy says, I would but I need the eggs. Well I guess that’s pretty much how I feel about relationships. You know they’re totally irrational and crazy and absurd but I guess we keep going through it because, uh, most of us need the eggs.

  Woody Allen

  Brother, Crazy, Humorous

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• The wicked at heart probably know something.

  Woody Allen

  Humorous, Heart, Wicked

  Woody Allen (2007). “The Insanity Defense: The Complete Prose”, Random House Incorporated

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• The heart wants what it wants.

  Woody Allen

  Inspirational Love, Humorous, Heart

  Quoted in USA Today, 24 Aug. 1992 See Pascal 14

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• Do you mind if I don't smoke?

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Humorous, Smoking

  "Fictional character: Captain Jeffrey Spaulding". "Animal Crackers", www.imdb.com. 1930.

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• I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same 50% rate. Half the time I get what I want, half the time I don't... Same as the four-leaf clover and the horseshoe...same as the Voodoo Lady who tells you your fortune by squeezing the goat's testicles, it's all the same: 50-50. So just pick your superstition, sit back, make a wish, and enjoy yourself.

  George Carlin

  Funny, Sarcastic, Atheist

  "You Are All Diseased". Book by George Carlin, 1999.

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• And my parents finally realize I'm kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: They rent out my room.

  Woody Allen

  Humorous, Parenting, Rooms

  In Eric Lax Woody Allen and his Comedy (1975) ch. 1

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• Talking to oneself, I have often thought, is the best way to be sure of intelligent and witty conversation.

  Grant Morrison

  Intelligent, Talking, Way

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• In America any boy may become President, and I suppose it's just one of the risks he takes.

  Adlai E. Stevenson

  Funny, Humorous, America

  Adlai E. Stevenson's speech in Indianapolis, Indiana, September 26, 1952.

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• My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers.

  Woody Allen

  Funny, Teacher, School

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• Women, as some witty Frenchman once put it, inspire us with the desire to do masterpieces and always prevent us from carrying them out.

  Oscar Wilde

  Inspire, Desire, Masterpiece

  Oscar Wilde (2015). “The Picture of Dorian Gray”, p.96, First Avenue Editions

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• I am neither Christian enough nor charitable enough to like anybody just because he is alive and breathing. I want people to interest or amuse me. I want them fascinating and witty or so dul as to be different. I want them either intellectually stimulating or wonderfully corny; perfectly charming or hundred percent stinker. I like my chosen companions to be distinguishable from the undulating masses and I don't care how.

  Betty MacDonald

  Christian, Breathing, People

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• I'm going to memorize your name and throw my head away.

  Oscar Levant

  Funny, Names

  Oscar Levant (1965). “The Memoirs of an Amnesiac”

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• The only stable state is the one in which all men are equal before the law.

  Aristotle

  Equality, Men, Law

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• Smile. Nod. Say something witty before he finds out what an incredible geek you are.

  Ellen Hopkins

  Geek, Incredibles

  Ellen Hopkins (2012). “Ellen Hopkins: Crank Trilogy”, p.52, Simon and Schuster

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• I have never been able to understand the complaint that a story is "depressing" because of its subject matter. What depresses me are stories that don't seem to know these things go on, or hide them in resolute chipperness; "witty stories," in which every problem is the occasion for a joke; "upbeat" stories that flog you with transcendence. Please. We're grown ups now.

  Tobias Wolff

  Depressing, Stories, Goes On

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• The first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract-- Look, why should we quarrel about a thing like this? We'll take it right out, eh?

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Humorous, Party

  Groucho Marx (2000). “The Essential Groucho: Writings By, For, and about Groucho Marx”, Vintage

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• If you're not having fun, you're doing something wrong.

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Wisdom, Humorous

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• Hail, hail Freedonia, land of the free!

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Humorous, Land

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• Conversation should be pleasant without scurrility, witty without affectation, free without indecency, learned without conceitedness, novel without falsehood.

  William Shakespeare

  Memorable, Should, Conversation

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• How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.

  George Carlin

  Funny, God, Sarcastic

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• How is it possible to have a civil war?

  George Carlin

  Inspirational, Funny, Life

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• The cocktail filled him with a whirling exhilaration behind which he was aware of devastating desires—to rush places in fast motors, to kiss girls, to sing, to be witty. ... He perceived that he had gifts of profligacy which had been neglected. —chapter 8

  Sinclair Lewis

  Girl, Kissing, Desire

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• I only read biographies, metaphysics and psychology. I can dream up my own fiction.

  Mae West

  Sarcastic, Dream, Humorous

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