Witty Quotes - Page 38

• Whitney Houston’s cover of “I Will Always Love You” was constantly on my FM Walkman radio around that time. I think that made me cry because I associated it with absolutely no one.

  Tina Fey

  Love You, Thinking, Houston

  Tina Fey (2011). “Bossypants”, p.48, Hachette UK

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• Politics and prostitution have to be the only jobs where inexperience is considered a virtue. In what other profession would you brag about not knowing stuff? “I’m not one of those fancy Harvard heart surgeons. I’m just an unlicensed plumber with a dream and I’d like to cut your chest open.” The crowd cheers.

  Tina Fey

  Dream, Jobs, Cheer

  "Bossypants". Book by Tina Fey, April 5, 2011.

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• My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.

  Tina Fey

  Anxiety, Acne, News

  Tina Fey (2011). “Bossypants”, p.89, Hachette UK

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• It is an impressively arrogant move to conclude that just because you don’t like something, it is empirically not good. I don’t like Chinese food, but I don’t write articles trying to prove it doesn’t exist.

  Tina Fey

  Moving, Writing, Chinese

  "Bossypants". Book by Tina Fey, October 13, 2011.

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• I know that you cannot hate other people without hating yourself.

  Oprah Winfrey

  Peace, Hate, People

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• We fall in love because we long to escape from ourselves with someone as beautiful, intelligent, and witty as we are ugly, stupid, and dull. But what if such a perfect being should one day turn around and decide they will love us back? We can only be somewhat shocked-how can they be as wonderful as we had hoped when they have the bad taste to approve of someone like us?

  Alain de Botton

  Beautiful, Falling In Love, Stupid

  Alain De Botton (1993). “On Love”, Grove/Atlantic

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• I was a little excited but mostly blorft. "Blorft" is an adjective I just made up that means 'Completely overwhelmed but proceeding as if everything is fine and reacting to the stress with the torpor of a possum.' I have been blorft every day for the past seven years.

  Tina Fey

  Stress, Mean, Past

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• Nice people don't necessarily fall in love with nice people.

  Jonathan Franzen

  Funny, Falling In Love, Nice

  "Freedom". Book by Jonathan Franzen, 2010.

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• John you say you met in an elevator. Was the elevator going up at the time, or down? This is very important, for going down in an elevator one always has that sinking feeling and for all I know you may have this confused with love. If you were going up, it is clearly a case of love at first sight.

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Confused, Humorous

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• Photoshop is just like makeup. When it’s done well it looks great, and when it’s overdone you look like a crazy asshole.

  Tina Fey

  Crazy, Makeup, Looks

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• (My proudest moment as a child was the time I beat my uncle Pierre at Scrabble with the seven-letter word FARTING.)

  Tina Fey

  Uncles, Children, Scrabble

  "Bossypants". Book by Tina Fey, October 13, 2011.

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• If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse.

  Woody Allen

  Death, Humorous, Dying

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• Gay people don’t actually try to convert people. That’s Jehovah’s Witnesses you’re thinking of.

  Tina Fey

  Gay, Thinking, People

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• MAKE STATEMENTS also applies to us women: Speak in statements instead of apologetic questions. No one wants to go to a doctor who says, “I’m going to be your surgeon? I’m here to talk to you about your procedure? I was first in my class at Johns Hopkins, so?” Make statements, with your actions and your voice.

  Tina Fey

  Class, Voice, Doctors

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• You have to remember that actors are human beings. Which is hard sometimes because they look so much better than human beings.

  Tina Fey

  Looks, Actors, Remember

  Tina Fey (2011). “Bossypants”, p.75, Hachette UK

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• You can’t be that kid standing at the top of the waterslide, overthinking it. You have to go down the chute.

  Tina Fey

  Strong Women, Funny Inspirational, Motivation

  "Bossypants". Book by Tina Fey, April 5, 2011.

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• It will never be perfect, but perfect is overrated. Perfect is boring on live TV.

  Tina Fey

  Perfect, Tvs, Boring

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• Most young women do not welcome promiscuous advances. (Either that, or my luck's terrible.)

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Humorous, Good Luck

  Groucho Marx (2008). “Memoirs Of A Mangy Lover”, p.88, Da Capo Press

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• Even the intellectual crowd will have none of me. Physically, I look like one of them. Graying at the temples, I walk with a slight limp and wear thick glasses.

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Humorous, Glasses

  Groucho Marx (2008). “Memoirs Of A Mangy Lover”, p.94, Da Capo Press

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• Bel Air, I am convinced, was laid out by some diabolic sadist who deliberately decided not to use a compass or a surveyor.

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Humorous, Air

  Groucho Marx (2008). “Memoirs Of A Mangy Lover”, p.98, Da Capo Press

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• With the possible exception of clothes, beauty salons and Frank Sinatra, there are few subjects all women agree upon.

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Humorous, Clothes

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• Obviously, as an adult I realize this girl-on-girl sabotage is the third worst kind of female behavior, right behind saying "like" all the time and leaving your baby in a dumpster.

  Tina Fey

  Funny, Girl, Baby

  Tina Fey (2011). “Bossypants”, p.25, Hachette UK

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• My plans are still in embryo, a town on the edge of wishful thinking.

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Humorous, Thinking

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• When all by myself, I can think of all kinds of clever remarks, quick comebacks to what no one said, and flashes of witty sociability with nobody. But all of this vanishes when I face someone in the flesh: I lose my intelligence, I can no longer speak, and after half an hour I just feel tired. Talking to people makes me feel like sleeping. Only my ghostly and imaginary friends, only the conversations I have in my dreams, are genuinely real and substantial.

  Fernando Pessoa

  Dream, Clever, Real

  Fernando Pessoa (2002). “The Book of Disquiet”, p.69, Penguin UK

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• Nowhere are prejudices more mistaken for truth, passion for reason and invective for documentation than in politics.

  John Mason Brown

  Passion, Political, Prejudice

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