Witty Quotes - Page 27

• America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.

  David Letterman

  Inspirational, Country, Real

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• My commentary's hilarious, not witty.

  Richelle Mead

  Commentary

  Richelle Mead (2012). “The Golden Lily: A Bloodlines Novel”, p.81, Penguin

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• I want my brain to slide back into the slot it was meant to be in, rest there the way it did before the fall of last year, back when I was young, witty, and my teachers said I had incredible promise.

  Ned Vizzini

  Teacher, Fall, Years

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• Curran grinned and my heart made a little jump. I didn’t expect that. “That’s it? That’s your witty comeback?” “Yep.” Eloquence ’R’ Us. When in trouble, keep it monosyllabic—safer that way.

  Ilona Andrews

  Heart, Littles, Way

  Ilona Andrews (2009). “Magic Strikes”, p.43, Penguin

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• I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people.

  Al Gore

  Funny, Regret, Latin

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• I just can't listen to any more Wagner, you know...I'm starting to get the urge to conquer Poland.

  Woody Allen

  Humorous, Conquer, Absurd

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• How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.

  George Carlin

  Funny, God, Sarcastic

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• I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Humorous, Inspiration

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• It's late, I'm tired, and your cigarettes are giving me a headache," I growled. "I suppose that's fair." He drew in on the cigarette and let out the smoke. "Some women think they make me look sexy." "I think you smoke them so you have something to do while thinking up your next witty line." He choked on the smoke, caught between inhaling and laughing. "Rose Hathaway, I can't wait to see you again. If you're this charming while tired and annoyed and this gorgeous while bruised and in ski clothes, you must be devastating at your peak.

  Richelle Mead

  Sexy, Tired, Thinking

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• Genius is more often found in a cracked pot than in a whole one.

  E. B. White

  Funny, Senior, Science

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• Everything in life is somewhere else, and you get there in a car.

  E. B. White

  Funny, Humorous, Somewhere Else

  E. B. White (2011). “In the Words of E.B. White: Quotations from America's Most Companionable of Writers”, p.56, Cornell University Press

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• The next time you have a thought... let it go.

  Ron White

  Inspirational, Funny, Humorous

  Ron White (2007). “I Had the Right to Remain Silent...But I Didn't Have the Ability”, p.137, Penguin

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• Children begin by loving their parents; after a time they judge them; rarely, if ever, do they forgive them.

  Oscar Wilde

  Family, Time, Children

  'A Woman of No Importance' (1893) act 2

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• My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.

  Tina Fey

  Anxiety, Acne, News

  Tina Fey (2011). “Bossypants”, p.89, Hachette UK

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• I see when men love women. They give them but a little of their lives. But women when they love give everything.

  Oscar Wilde

  Love, Funny, Boyfriend

  Oscar Wilde (2007). “The Collected Works of Oscar Wilde”, p.452, Wordsworth Editions

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• A man can be happy with any woman, as long as he does not love her.

  Oscar Wilde

  Love, Inspirational, Funny

  Oscar Wilde (1997). “Collected Works of Oscar Wilde: The Plays, the Poems, the Stories and the Essays Including De Profundis”, p.124, Wordsworth Editions

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• Experience is one thing you can't get for nothing.

  Oscar Wilde

  Funny, Positive, Work

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• Work is the curse of the drinking classes.

  Oscar Wilde

  Funny, Work, Book

  Quoted in Frank Harris, Oscar Wilde: His Life and Confessions (1916)

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• Do you mind if I don't smoke?

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Humorous, Smoking

  "Fictional character: Captain Jeffrey Spaulding". "Animal Crackers", www.imdb.com. 1930.

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• I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity.

  George Carlin

  Funny, Sarcastic, Integrity

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• If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

  Lawrence Ferlinghetti

  Funny, Sarcastic, Fall

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• I've no time for broads who want to rule the world alone. Without men, who'd do up the zipper on the back of your dress?

  Mae West

  Sarcastic, Humorous, Men

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• I made myself platinum, but I was born a dirty blonde.

  Mae West

  Sarcastic, Humorous, Dirty

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• This is how we court girls in America. We grab them and kiss them. And if they don't like it, we do it again, harder and longer, until they surrender. It saves us hours of witty repartee.

  Lisa Kleypas

  Girl, Kissing, America

  Lisa Kleypas (2008). “A Wallflower Christmas: A Novel”, p.35, Macmillan

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• I’d discovered, after a lot of extreme apprehension about what spoons to use, that if you do something incorrect at table with a certain arrogance, as if you knew perfectly well you were doing it properly, you can get away with it and nobody will think you are bad-mannered or poorly brought up. They will think you are original and very witty.

  Sylvia Plath

  Food, Thinking, Cooking

  Sylvia Plath (2016). “The Bell Jar”, p.16, Hamilton Books

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