Humor Quotes - Page 14

• God, do I hate my little fat tits. You ever pinch your little meat tits and wish you were dead? You ever just stand naked in the mirror. "You little fat-titted mediocre failure!" You ever do that for 3 hours on New Year's Eve.

  Jim Norton

  Funny, New Year, Hate

  23 Copy quote

• I'd rather hug Magic Johnson after he rolled around in barbed wire.

  Jim Norton

  Funny, Magic, Hug

  12 Copy quote

• I don't have kids. That's why I leave it in the dumper or in the mouth, because I hate kids.

  Jim Norton

  Funny, Hate, Kids

  7 Copy quote

• That's an interesting accent you got there. Are you from stroke-victim?

  Jim Norton

  Funny, Interesting, Victim

  13 Copy quote

• My favorite place in the morning is in the shower with Eric.

  Jim Anderson

  Funny, Morning, Favorite Places

  5 Copy quote

• Get a in clothes dryer with Magic Johnson and some razorblades.

  Jim Norton

  Funny, Clothes, Magic

  18 Copy quote

• No periods. If you sneeze, the carpet's ruined.

  Jim Norton

  Funny, Periods, Carpet

  7 Copy quote

• You 50 year old one-breasted bag of meat. Just hang it up and be grateful some of your friends are still living.

  Jim Norton

  Funny, Grateful, Years

  7 Copy quote

• I had AIDS, but I beat it with Advil.

  Jim Norton

  Funny, Aids, Beats

  4 Copy quote

• My legs tired, ain't your legs tired!? His legs ain't Tired! He Just... Tinktinktinktinktinktink, TinktinkTinktinkTinktink!! Just paperclips and Sparks everywhere!

  Katt Williams

  Funny, Tired, Legs

  15 Copy quote

• White people, you did not get a receipt for niggas, you can not return us!

  Katt Williams

  Funny, White, People

  28 Copy quote

• He comes back with the script, and it's racist like a 1940's Newspaper.

  Katt Williams

  Funny, Racist, Scripts

  6 Copy quote

• A kiss is like a fight, with mouths.

  Kristen Schaal

  Funny, Fighting, Kissing

  5 Copy quote

• One good thing about being locked in a cage: No responsibility!

  Kristen Schaal

  Funny, Responsibility, Cages

  4 Copy quote

• I would imagine that Bret would taste like a warm goat cheese, and Jemaine would taste like harvati with dill. Hmm...I'm hungry actually.

  Kristen Schaal

  Funny, Goats, Taste

  4 Copy quote

• Mel: What was your name again? Rain: Rain. Mel: Oh that's nice. Kind of like bad weather.

  Kristen Schaal

  Funny, Nice, Rain

  4 Copy quote

• Oh man, the car could just burst into flames right now and this would be the way to go, huh guys?

  Kristen Schaal

  Funny, Men, Flames

  4 Copy quote

• This is very ambitious, but I don't care. I'm just gonna go ahead and find Amelia Earhart. Every day that goes by, I just fear the worst for her.

  Kristen Schaal

  Funny, Ambitious, Care

  7 Copy quote

• Some women were talking about how I put out. And that's just not that case. I don't put out - unless I'm asked very, very politely, and that's not putting out, that's just giving in.

  Kristen Schaal

  Funny, Talking, Giving

  4 Copy quote

• I wanted to make sure that my act was family friendly for tonight, but I don't have babies. So I thought that maybe I could pretend that I had babies and that way I could appeal to the people in the audience who have babies and to the people who like to pretend that they have babies.

  Kristen Schaal

  Funny, Baby, People

  4 Copy quote

• The torture that they are coming up with in China is so creative. They have this other method where they'll take a bamboo and they'll plant it in your anus and just let it grow. So patient. Man, watch out for China, I say. They have all the ambition as we do but none of the heart.

  Kristen Schaal

  Funny, Heart, Ambition

  4 Copy quote

• Turkeys are peacocks that have really let themselves go.

  Kristen Schaal

  Funny, Turkeys, Peacock

  49 Copy quote

• The service at this airport restaurant is so bad I'm starting to panic that I'm a ghost.

  Kristen Schaal

  Funny, Airports, Panic

  4 Copy quote

• If you are feeling overly optimistic the Republican Candidates Debate is on.

  Kristen Schaal

  Funny, Optimistic, Feelings

  4 Copy quote

• Still blows my mind that toilet paper isn't free.

  Kristen Schaal

  Funny, Blow, Mind

  4 Copy quote