Humor Quotes - Page 13

• At the factory, I deal with ex-cons, substance abusers, and sexual harassers. And I'm not just talking about my mom.

  George Lopez

  Funny, Mom, Talking

  "George Lopez". www.imdb.com. 2002 - 2007.

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• Two men spit in their hands, help each other out, then laugh about it later. Just to be silly.

  Jim Norton

  Funny, Silly, Men

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• That's an interesting accent you got there. Are you from stroke-victim?

  Jim Norton

  Funny, Interesting, Victim

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• That looks like something out of the dumpster of planned parenthood.

  Jim Norton

  Funny, Looks, Parenthood

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• For the record, I hate skiing... and if you get killed doing it, GOOD.

  Jim Norton

  Funny, Hate, Records

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• And while all of your friends are grieving at your wake, I hope the sprinkler system turns on and sprays them with AIDS, hepatitis C and liquified genital warts. And while they're all running out and crying, I hope one of them slips and accidentally molests a child.

  Jim Norton

  Funny, Running, Children

  49 Copy quote

• My name is "A Pimp named Slickback" Wait... A Pimp?? ... Named Slickback. Yes, please say the whole thing if you would. Yes, that includs the "A Pimp Named" part. Yes Tom, everytime.

  Katt Williams

  Funny, Names, Waiting

  24 Copy quote

• A kiss is like a fight, with mouths.

  Kristen Schaal

  Funny, Fighting, Kissing

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• Presents? We already bought you a lot of things. Member when we were at the market and I bought you gum? You'member.

  George Lopez

  Funny, Gum, Members

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• One time, I was so hungry, I ate the beans in a bean bag chair.

  George Lopez

  Funny, Bags, Hungry

  "George Lopez". www.imdb.com. 2002 - 2007.

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• I'd shake his hand, but I think that's what's holding up his pants.

  George Lopez

  Funny, Thinking, Hands

  "George Lopez". www.imdb.com. 2002 - 2007.

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• Angie, I've seen my mom wrestle two cops to the ground with a taser dart in her neck, and you cry when your shoes pinch. Good luck, Bambi!

  George Lopez

  Funny, Mom, Good Luck

  "George Lopez". TV Series, www.imdb.com. 2002-2007.

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• They don't tend to feature the kind of vaginas I like in adult films. I tend to like a thick, heavy pussy - the kind of pussy that looks like it just smoked an exploding cartoon cigar.

  Jim Norton

  Funny, Cartoon, Pussy

  27 Copy quote

• I don't have kids. That's why I leave it in the dumper or in the mouth, because I hate kids.

  Jim Norton

  Funny, Hate, Kids

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• You have the sex appeal of Norman Fell.

  Jim Norton

  Funny, Sex, Appeals

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• Get a in clothes dryer with Magic Johnson and some razorblades.

  Jim Norton

  Funny, Clothes, Magic

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• I hope you slip in a puddle of AIDS and crack your head open

  Jim Norton

  Funny, Cracks, Puddles

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• No periods. If you sneeze, the carpet's ruined.

  Jim Norton

  Funny, Periods, Carpet

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• I wish I had AIDS so I could bite somebody.

  Jim Norton

  Funny, Wish, Aids

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• I couldn't get laid with a sitcom and a rifle.

  Jim Norton

  Funny, Rifles, Getting Laid

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• You 50 year old one-breasted bag of meat. Just hang it up and be grateful some of your friends are still living.

  Jim Norton

  Funny, Grateful, Years

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• What a coincidence, they both go to College and I'm a rapist!

  Jim Norton

  Funny, College, Coincidence

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• My legs tired, ain't your legs tired!? His legs ain't Tired! He Just... Tinktinktinktinktinktink, TinktinkTinktinkTinktink!! Just paperclips and Sparks everywhere!

  Katt Williams

  Funny, Tired, Legs

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• He comes back with the script, and it's racist like a 1940's Newspaper.

  Katt Williams

  Funny, Racist, Scripts

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• You know, quite a few species of fish require two or more sexual partners.

  Kristen Schaal

  Funny, Two, Partners

  6 Copy quote