Humor Quotes - Page 15

• America is a bunch o' bullies. Tell me what the Iraq uniform is like. Don't worry, I'll wait.

  Katt Williams

  Funny, Iraq, America

  23 Copy quote

• He comes back with the script, and it's racist like a 1940's Newspaper.

  Katt Williams

  Funny, Racist, Scripts

  6 Copy quote

• My name is "A Pimp named Slickback" Wait... A Pimp?? ... Named Slickback. Yes, please say the whole thing if you would. Yes, that includs the "A Pimp Named" part. Yes Tom, everytime.

  Katt Williams

  Funny, Names, Waiting

  24 Copy quote

• A kiss is like a fight, with mouths.

  Kristen Schaal

  Funny, Fighting, Kissing

  5 Copy quote

• My favorite place in the morning is in the shower with Eric.

  Jim Anderson

  Funny, Morning, Favorite Places

  5 Copy quote

• I would imagine that Bret would taste like a warm goat cheese, and Jemaine would taste like harvati with dill. Hmm...I'm hungry actually.

  Kristen Schaal

  Funny, Goats, Taste

  4 Copy quote

• This is very ambitious, but I don't care. I'm just gonna go ahead and find Amelia Earhart. Every day that goes by, I just fear the worst for her.

  Kristen Schaal

  Funny, Ambitious, Care

  7 Copy quote

• The torture that they are coming up with in China is so creative. They have this other method where they'll take a bamboo and they'll plant it in your anus and just let it grow. So patient. Man, watch out for China, I say. They have all the ambition as we do but none of the heart.

  Kristen Schaal

  Funny, Heart, Ambition

  4 Copy quote

• If you were to send a werewolf to the moon, would he be a werewolf permanently?

  Kristen Schaal

  Funny, Moon, Werewolf

  5 Copy quote

• The service at this airport restaurant is so bad I'm starting to panic that I'm a ghost.

  Kristen Schaal

  Funny, Airports, Panic

  4 Copy quote

• Fingernails are for opening things and toenails are for storing precious minerals off the ground.

  Kristen Schaal

  Funny, Toenails, Minerals

  6 Copy quote

• I diagnosed my loneliness as premature empty nest syndrome.

  Kristen Schaal

  Funny, Loneliness, Nests

  11 Copy quote

• I'm just happy our nations are on the same page of keeping shitty reality TV on the air. Small world!

  Kristen Schaal

  Funny, Reality, Air

  4 Copy quote

• Why does every flight attendant seem like they are going through a divorce?

  Natasha Leggero

  Funny, Divorce, Doe

  11 Copy quote

• 1st Valentine's Day: 200,000 BC men and women congregate on opposite sides of Pangaea, waiting for someone to make the first move.

  Kristen Schaal

  Funny, Valentine, Moving

  Twitter post from Feb 14, 2011

  4 Copy quote

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• Two Drink Mike enjoys dancing and knows a magic trick. Whereas, No Drink Mike enjoys biographies, and has serious opinions on wildlife. And Five Drink Mike... dances with wildlife.

  Mike Birbiglia

  Funny, Two, Dancing

  4 Copy quote

• I'm walking out my door to get like a Snapple, and someone's like 'yo man, you want to buy some heroin?' 'No... got any Snapple?'

  Mike Birbiglia

  Funny, Men, Doors

  4 Copy quote

• Have you heard his new song? 'Cause he thinks he's a black man now.

  Natasha Leggero

  Funny, Song, Men

  4 Copy quote

• If Jesus had known that his image would end up on Justin Bieber's calf, he would've never started Christianity.

  Natasha Leggero

  Funny, Jesus, Christianity

  11 Copy quote

• College seems like a pretty expensive way to become an alcoholic.

  Natasha Leggero

  Funny, College, Way

  Twitter post from Jan 26, 2012

  12 Copy quote

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• The waiters in France could all be senators in the US.

  Natasha Leggero

  Funny, France, Waiter

  Twitter post from Jan 19, 2012

  4 Copy quote

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• Do they give Pulitzers for tweets yet?

  Natasha Leggero

  Funny, Giving, Tweet

  5 Copy quote

• Getting worried there might not be enough talent in America to acommodate all these singing shows.

  Natasha Leggero

  Funny, America, Singing

  6 Copy quote

• Make a sex tape, upload it, get on a reality show, release a perfume, retire. That's the new American dream.

  Natasha Leggero

  Funny, Dream, Sex

  4 Copy quote

• Trousers can never be too tight. You have to go through a couple of days of pain, then everything stretches out.

  Noel Fielding

  Funny, Pain, Couple

  "This much I know". Interview with Eva Wiseman, www.theguardian.com. May 24, 2008.

  14 Copy quote

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