1st Valentine's Day: 200,000 BC men and women congregate on opposite sides of Pangaea, waiting for someone to make the first move.
When I was a kid I would write songs, little plays, and poetry in school. If you're an adult and you're a poet, it's all about love and pain, but if you're a kid it's, "Does anyone know a word that rhymes with shark?"
Two Drink Mike enjoys dancing and knows a magic trick. Whereas, No Drink Mike enjoys biographies, and has serious opinions on wildlife. And Five Drink Mike... dances with wildlife.
I performed for the U.S. troops in Guantanamo Bay. And signed autographs for people who've been gone from America for so long they didn't realize that I'm not famous.
I'm walking out my door to get like a Snapple, and someone's like 'yo man, you want to buy some heroin?' 'No... got any Snapple?'
Some people come up to me and say "You know, in Italy, it's pronounced Ber-beel-lia" And I say "Well, here in America, you're annoying..."
My family isn't really Italian. We're more like Olive Garden Italian.
I'm a big fan of pastries the size of a baby that contain enough calories for a year. That seems like an effective use of time.
Have you heard his new song? 'Cause he thinks he's a black man now.
If Jesus had known that his image would end up on Justin Bieber's calf, he would've never started Christianity.
Have you ever noticed that your ugliest friend is the most afraid of getting ruffied? It's like relax. YOU can take the coaster off your drink. There are at least three of us in line ahead of you.
College seems like a pretty expensive way to become an alcoholic.
The waiters in France could all be senators in the US.
Bragging that you had sex with a prostitute is like bragging that you got Doritos out of a vending machine.
Do they give Pulitzers for tweets yet?
Getting worried there might not be enough talent in America to acommodate all these singing shows.
How are you gonna make an 'idol' from the type of person you're trying to avoid in real life?
The only thing that makes me cry at weddings is the DJ's playlist.
Why does every flight attendant seem like they are going through a divorce?
I think how tan a person is, is directly proportionate to how dumb they are.
Make a sex tape, upload it, get on a reality show, release a perfume, retire. That's the new American dream.
Ke$ha IS the walk of shame.
Don't be intimidated by my outfit, it's Forever 21.
Gluten free pizza elicits the same response at a hollywood party that a pile of cocaine did in the 80's.
Trousers can never be too tight. You have to go through a couple of days of pain, then everything stretches out.
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