I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?
The sky already fell. Now what?
When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.
Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "What for?"
I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.
The sky is falling. No, I'm tipping over backwards.
I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. She said, "You didn't borrow this." I said, " I will!"
I had my coat hangers spayed.
I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.
It's a fine night to have an evening.
I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.
Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.
My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.
When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse.
I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.
I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store and said, "Give me another ten guppies, I got a lot of calls yesterday."
I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.
I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn't hear it.
I washed mud off of mud.
I took a baby shower.
If you melt dry ice in a pool and go swimming, will you get wet?
I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit .
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