Humor Quotes - Page 18

• My family isn't really Italian. We're more like Olive Garden Italian.

  Mike Birbiglia

  Funny, Italian, Garden

  4 Copy quote

• Have you heard his new song? 'Cause he thinks he's a black man now.

  Natasha Leggero

  Funny, Song, Men

  4 Copy quote

• If Jesus had known that his image would end up on Justin Bieber's calf, he would've never started Christianity.

  Natasha Leggero

  Funny, Jesus, Christianity

  11 Copy quote

• The waiters in France could all be senators in the US.

  Natasha Leggero

  Funny, France, Waiter

  Twitter post from Jan 19, 2012

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• Getting worried there might not be enough talent in America to acommodate all these singing shows.

  Natasha Leggero

  Funny, America, Singing

  6 Copy quote

• How are you gonna make an 'idol' from the type of person you're trying to avoid in real life?

  Natasha Leggero

  Funny, Real, Idols

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• Ke$ha IS the walk of shame.

  Natasha Leggero

  Funny, Shame, Walks

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• Don't be intimidated by my outfit, it's Forever 21.

  Natasha Leggero

  Funny, Forever, Intimidated

  4 Copy quote

• Trousers can never be too tight. You have to go through a couple of days of pain, then everything stretches out.

  Noel Fielding

  Funny, Pain, Couple

  "This much I know". Interview with Eva Wiseman, www.theguardian.com. May 24, 2008.

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• There's not enough psychedelic stuff on TV. I want the world to be a bit weirder than it is. I hate reality, so I hate reality TV. But I love Columbo.

  Noel Fielding

  Funny, Hate, Reality

  "This much I know". Interview with Eva Wiseman, www.theguardian.com. May 24, 2008.

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• When you're famous you can't go to Topshop. Even when I disguise myself in a moustache, baseball cap, sunglasses - the full Madonna kit - it doesn't work: my stupid face is too big.

  Noel Fielding

  Funny, Baseball, Stupid

  "This much I know". Interview with Eva Wiseman, www.theguardian.com. May 24, 2008.

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• When I was a little kid I wanted to be Face. I thought, cos I had blond hair and he did too, that when I grew up I'd look like him.

  Noel Fielding

  Funny, Kids, Hair

  4 Copy quote

• We got everythin' we need here. We got Baileys, creamy, and, um... everythin' good. I'll get ya another Baileys

  Noel Fielding

  Funny, Needs

  10 Copy quote

• I've got it all in here ultra violets, flying saucers, strawberry bootlace come on get involved.

  Noel Fielding

  Funny, Flying, Violet

  20 Copy quote

• I've had a really weird day, some joker threw bamboo in the penguin enclosure. They all vaulted out. It was a nightmare, it took me all morning to get them back in.

  Noel Fielding

  Funny, Morning, Penguins

  25 Copy quote

• They call me the confuser. Is he a man... is he a woman? Ooh, I'm not sure if I mind.

  Noel Fielding

  Funny, Men, Mind

  7 Copy quote

• Never try and go on a solo mission on your own.

  Noel Fielding

  Funny, Trying, Goes On

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• Science teachers and the mentally ill, that's all Jazz is for.

  Noel Fielding

  Funny, Teacher, Jazz

  7 Copy quote

• Goth Juice... The most powerful hairspray known to man. Made from the tears of Robert Smith.

  Noel Fielding

  Funny, Powerful, Men

  "Fictional character: Vince Noir". "The Mighty Boosh", www.imdb.com. 2003 - 2007.

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• I couldn't have invented crisps. ... I don't really want to be known as the man who invented crisps. ... I invented apples. ... I invented pandas, and caps. I invented soil.

  Noel Fielding

  Funny, Men, Apples

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• No means yes in grasshopper language.

  Noel Fielding

  Funny, Mean, Language

  68 Copy quote

• That's the authentic punk dance. It's like a child dizzy on lemonade.

  Noel Fielding

  Funny, Children, Dizzy

  "Never Mind the Buzzcocks". Comedy, Game-Show, Music, 1996–2015.

  12 Copy quote

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• Are you recycling? Are you!? You just killed a polar bear! YOU!

  Russell Howard

  Funny, Bears, Recycling

  21 Copy quote

• When you're three, you're into custard, and jumping.

  Russell Howard

  Funny, Jumping, Three

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• Inner child, what do you suggest? 'I WANT A TREEHOUSE!' Anything else to add? 'FARTY NOISE UNDER THE ARM!'

  Russell Howard

  Funny, Children, Add

  19 Copy quote