I'm the munter of my friends. I've got wonky teeth and a lazy eye. My friend Rob is disgusted I'm a heart-throb.
She's 80 my nan, what do you want for your birthday? "SHREDDER!! GET ME A SHREDDER!!", what do you want a shredder for? "IDENTITY THEFT!!".
Are you recycling? Are you!? You just killed a polar bear! YOU!
When you're three, you're into custard, and jumping.
Inner child, what do you suggest? 'I WANT A TREEHOUSE!' Anything else to add? 'FARTY NOISE UNDER THE ARM!'
What's the opposite of opposite? Consider yourself bamboozled!
I've never said flange to a monkey!
This bloke was so pissed, he thought his vomit had come to life!
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.
The speed of time is one second per second.
I was once arrested for resisting arrest.
My father was a small claims court jester.
I have a fax machine with "fax waiting".
I was skydiving horizontally.
The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "Right here, officer."
I went to the hardware store to buy some batteries, but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again.
I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.
Having sex with her is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.
My socks DO match. They're the same thickness.
I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes."
I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out.
My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
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