Humor Quotes - Page 17

• What a coincidence, they both go to College and I'm a rapist!

  Jim Norton

  Funny, College, Coincidence

  5 Copy quote

• If your pussy was so good, you would drive a better car.

  Katt Williams

  Funny, Car, Pussy

  58 Copy quote

• He comes back with the script, and it's racist like a 1940's Newspaper.

  Katt Williams

  Funny, Racist, Scripts

  6 Copy quote

• Some women were talking about how I put out. And that's just not that case. I don't put out - unless I'm asked very, very politely, and that's not putting out, that's just giving in.

  Kristen Schaal

  Funny, Talking, Giving

  4 Copy quote

• I wanted to make sure that my act was family friendly for tonight, but I don't have babies. So I thought that maybe I could pretend that I had babies and that way I could appeal to the people in the audience who have babies and to the people who like to pretend that they have babies.

  Kristen Schaal

  Funny, Baby, People

  4 Copy quote

• Fingernails are for opening things and toenails are for storing precious minerals off the ground.

  Kristen Schaal

  Funny, Toenails, Minerals

  6 Copy quote

• The service at this airport restaurant is so bad I'm starting to panic that I'm a ghost.

  Kristen Schaal

  Funny, Airports, Panic

  4 Copy quote

• If you were to send a werewolf to the moon, would he be a werewolf permanently?

  Kristen Schaal

  Funny, Moon, Werewolf

  5 Copy quote

• This is very ambitious, but I don't care. I'm just gonna go ahead and find Amelia Earhart. Every day that goes by, I just fear the worst for her.

  Kristen Schaal

  Funny, Ambitious, Care

  7 Copy quote

• Turkeys are peacocks that have really let themselves go.

  Kristen Schaal

  Funny, Turkeys, Peacock

  49 Copy quote

• Another goal that I have is to learn how to play the ukulele - should be fun - and to stop taking my clothes off for money. But I need money. That is a ridiculous goal. I'm gonna cross that one off. That's stupid.

  Kristen Schaal

  Funny, Stupid, Play

  4 Copy quote

• You can't even go to Heaven if you get killed by Spinach, you can't even go. You don't even know what to tell Jesus. You Just 'You know what Jesus, I did have a salad, I really Did I- I Didn't know what I was thinking about.

  Katt Williams

  Funny, Jesus, Thinking

  17 Copy quote

• Oh man, the car could just burst into flames right now and this would be the way to go, huh guys?

  Kristen Schaal

  Funny, Men, Flames

  4 Copy quote

• I'm just happy our nations are on the same page of keeping shitty reality TV on the air. Small world!

  Kristen Schaal

  Funny, Reality, Air

  4 Copy quote

• I hope you accidentally drink leukemia at a picnic.

  Jim Norton

  Funny, Picnics, Drink

  "How To Be A Comedian" by James Altucher, www.businessinsider.com. July 24, 2011.

  8 Copy quote

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• When I was a kid I would write songs, little plays, and poetry in school. If you're an adult and you're a poet, it's all about love and pain, but if you're a kid it's, "Does anyone know a word that rhymes with shark?"

  Mike Birbiglia

  Funny, Song, Pain

  19 Copy quote

• I diagnosed my loneliness as premature empty nest syndrome.

  Kristen Schaal

  Funny, Loneliness, Nests

  11 Copy quote

• My family isn't really Italian. We're more like Olive Garden Italian.

  Mike Birbiglia

  Funny, Italian, Garden

  4 Copy quote

• One good thing about being locked in a cage: No responsibility!

  Kristen Schaal

  Funny, Responsibility, Cages

  4 Copy quote

• I used to carry a rabbit's foot for luck. Then it was a monkey's paw. Now it's a camel's toe.

  Kristen Schaal

  Funny, Feet, Luck

  5 Copy quote

• I'd rather hug Magic Johnson after he rolled around in barbed wire.

  Jim Norton

  Funny, Magic, Hug

  12 Copy quote

• I don't have kids. That's why I leave it in the dumper or in the mouth, because I hate kids.

  Jim Norton

  Funny, Hate, Kids

  7 Copy quote

• If you are feeling overly optimistic the Republican Candidates Debate is on.

  Kristen Schaal

  Funny, Optimistic, Feelings

  4 Copy quote

• You have the sex appeal of Norman Fell.

  Jim Norton

  Funny, Sex, Appeals

  7 Copy quote

• If Jesus had known that his image would end up on Justin Bieber's calf, he would've never started Christianity.

  Natasha Leggero

  Funny, Jesus, Christianity

  11 Copy quote