Humor Quotes - Page 19

• Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Limbo

  4 Copy quote

• One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my car key in the door of my apartment building. I turned it, and the whole building started up. So I drove it around. A policeman stopped me for going too fast. He said, "Where do you live?" I said, "Right here!" Then I drove my building onto the middle of a highway, and I ran outside, and told all of the cars to get the hell out of my driveway.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Home, Keys

  4 Copy quote

• I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased the all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Wire, Tape

  4 Copy quote

• I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Trying, Bed

  7 Copy quote

• They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Water, Drowning

  9 Copy quote

• Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Years, Yesterday

  4 Copy quote

• I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called "They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring."

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Song, Girlfriend

  5 Copy quote

• Sometimes I... No, I don't.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Sometimes

  15 Copy quote

• Humor is not a postscript or an incidental afterthought; it is a serious and weighty part of the world's economy. One feels increasingly the height of the faculty in which it arises, the nobility of things associated with it, and the greatness of services it renders.

  Oscar W. Firkins

  Greatness, Serious, World

  4 Copy quote

• My favorite place in the morning is in the shower with Eric.

  Jim Anderson

  Funny, Morning, Favorite Places

  5 Copy quote

• Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.

  Joey Adams

  Funny, Life, Birthday

  Joey Adams (1981). “Strictly for laughs”, A & W Publishers, Inc.

  76 Copy quote

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• Their is no defense against criticism except obscurity.

  Joseph Addison

  Funny, Criticism, Defense

  41 Copy quote

• An infallible method of conciliating a tiger is to allow oneself to be devoured.

  Konrad Adenauer

  Funny, Method, Infallibility

  51 Copy quote

• The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.

  Fred Allen

  Love, Funny, Pride

  8 Copy quote

• A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary.

  Fred Allen

  Funny, Work, Groups

  35 Copy quote

• Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.

  Fred Allen

  Funny, Technology, Done

  9 Copy quote

• A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

  Fred Allen

  Funny, Hard Work, Dark

  68 Copy quote

• A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but who, as a group, can meet and decide that nothing can be done.

  Fred Allen

  Inspirational, Funny, Teamwork

  9 Copy quote

• My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.

  Fred Allen

  Funny, Children, Father

  Fred Allen (2008). “Much Ado About Me”, p.200, Wildside Press LLC

  10 Copy quote

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• An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.

  Fred Allen

  Funny, Income, Way

  13 Copy quote

• Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.

  Fred Allen

  Funny, Failure, Sunday

  20 Copy quote

• I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.

  Fred Allen

  Funny, Witty, Humorous

  Letter to Groucho Marx, 12 June 1953

  10 Copy quote

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• Treat employees like partners, and they act like partners.

  Fred Allen

  Funny, Business, Treats

  89 Copy quote

• Television is the triumph of machine over people.

  Fred Allen

  Funny, People, Triumph

  9 Copy quote

• You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart.

  Fred Allen

  Funny, Movie, Heart

  Quoted in J. R. Colombo, Wit and Wisdom of the Moviemakers (1979)

  26 Copy quote

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