Humor Quotes - Page 19

• A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. She said, "You didn't borrow this." I said, " I will!"

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Beautiful, Doors

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• It's a fine night to have an evening.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Night, Evening

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• I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Wall, Carpet

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• My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Hands, Numbers

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• When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Running, Horse

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• I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Team, Years

  16 Copy quote

• I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn't hear it.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Fall, Tree

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• I took a baby shower.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Baby, Showers

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• If you melt dry ice in a pool and go swimming, will you get wet?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Swimming, Ice

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• Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Limbo

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• Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.

  Fred Allen

  Funny, Technology, Done

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• An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer.

  Fred Allen

  Funny, Art, Guy

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• During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoying big talk.

  Fred Allen

  Funny, Men, Today

  "Sunday Observer; Brass Hat In Hand" by Russell Baker, www.nytimes.com. April 17, 1983.

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• When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

  Woody Allen

  Funny, Parent, Rooms

  "Standup Comic". CD compilation of Woody Allen's comedy routines from 1964-1968, 1999.

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• Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.

  Woody Allen

  Funny, Life, Annie Hall

  "Fictional character: Alvy Singer". "Annie Hall", www.imdb.com. 1977.

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• My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

  Woody Allen

  Funny, Night, Luck

  "The Good Luck Book". Book by Stefan Bechtel, Laurence Roy Stains (p. 371), 1997.

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• We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.

  Milton Berle

  Funny, Television Watching, Luck

  32 Copy quote

• I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?

  Milton Berle

  Funny, Money, Filled Out

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• Have you ever had one of those moments when you look up and realize that you're one of those people you see on the train talking to themselves?

  Marc Maron

  Funny, Talking, People

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• The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people.

  Gilbert K. Chesterton

  Love, Funny, Life

  "The Illustrated London News" Magazine, July 16, 1910.

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• Thieves respect property. They merely wish the property to become their property that they may more perfectly respect it.

  Gilbert K. Chesterton

  Funny, Respect, Wish

  The Man WhoWas Thursday ch. 4 (1908)

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• Journalism largely consists of saying 'Lord Jones is Dead' to people who never knew that Lord Jones was alive.

  Gilbert K. Chesterton

  Funny, Business, People

  "The style guide editor on ... peer pressure and using people's proper names" by David Marsh, www.theguardian.com. December 8, 2013.

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• A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.

  Winston Churchill

  Funny, Change, Business

  Winston Churchill (1987). “The Irrepressible Churchill: Stories, Sayings and Impressions of Sir Winston Churchill”, London : Robson Books

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• A dollar saved is a quarter earned.

  John Ciardi

  Funny, Dollars, Quarters

  John Ciardi (1972). “Manner of Speaking”

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• Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying around, I'd rather lie around. No contest.

  Eric Clapton

  Lying, Choices, Given

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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