Humor Quotes - Page 21

• In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows.

  Woody Allen

  Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

  55 Copy quote

• I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.

  Woody Allen

  Funny, Running, Two

  14 Copy quote

• I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.

  Woody Allen

  Funny, Intelligent, Intellectual

  7 Copy quote

• He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.

  Woody Allen

  Funny, Suicide, Armenia

  20 Copy quote

• I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

  Woody Allen

  Funny, Parenting, Thinking

  60 Copy quote

• When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

  Woody Allen

  Funny, Parent, Rooms

  "Standup Comic". CD compilation of Woody Allen's comedy routines from 1964-1968, 1999.

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• Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.

  Woody Allen

  Funny, Life, Annie Hall

  "Fictional character: Alvy Singer". "Annie Hall", www.imdb.com. 1977.

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• My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

  Woody Allen

  Funny, Night, Luck

  "The Good Luck Book". Book by Stefan Bechtel, Laurence Roy Stains (p. 371), 1997.

  62 Copy quote

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• It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

  Woody Allen

  Funny, Death, Experience

  11 Copy quote

• Men, their rights, and nothing more; women, their rights, and nothing less.

  Susan B. Anthony

  Witty, Strong Women, Independent

  Motto of The Revolution (newspaper), 8 Jan. 1868

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• Few girls are as well shaped as a good horse.

  Hannah Arendt

  Funny, Beauty, Girl

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• From my close observation of writers... they fall into two groups: 1) those who bleed copiously and visibly at any bad review, and 2) those who bleed copiously and secretly at any bad review.

  Isaac Asimov

  Funny, Fall, Writing

  Isaac Asimov (1995). “Gold: the final science fiction collection”, Harper Prism

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• What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.

  Dave Attell

  Funny, Rivers, Lakes

  36 Copy quote

• You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike.

  Dave Attell

  Funny, Men, Fire

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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• Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people 'the cops.' But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school!

  Dave Attell

  Funny, School, Kids

  61 Copy quote

• One of the most feared expressions in modern times is 'The computer is down.'

  Norman Ralph Augustine

  Funny, Expression, Literature

  21 Copy quote

• One half of the world cannot understand the pleasures of the other.

  Jane Austen

  Funny, Success, Sex

  Emma ch. 9 (1816)

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• On average, drug prisoners spend more time in federal prison than rapists, who often get out on early release because of the overcrowding in prison caused by the Drug War.

  Michael Badnarik

  War, Average, Alcohol

  16 Copy quote

• Drug prohibition has caused gang warfare and other violent crimes by raising the prices of drugs so much that vicious criminals enter the market to make astronomical profits, and addicts rob and steal to get money to pay the inflated prices for their drugs.

  Michael Badnarik

  Marijuana Prohibition, Alcohol, Drug

  52 Copy quote

• Nature makes only dumb animals. We owe the fools to society.

  Honore de Balzac

  Funny, Nature, Stupid

  7 Copy quote

• Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.

  Dave Barry

  Funny, Sports, Tree

  23 Copy quote

• Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.

  Dave Barry

  Funny, Science, Metrics

  Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry Talks Back”, p.48, Crown Archetype

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• The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot.

  Dave Barry

  Funny, Mean, Literature

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• Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.

  Dave Barry

  Funny, Business, Organization

  "Your Guide to Self-Directed". Book by Daniel Cordoba. p. 197, September 19, 2008.

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• If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland.

  Dave Barry

  Funny, Mom, Baby

  Dave Barry (2001). “All the Dave Barry you could ever want: four classic books in one from America's foremost humorist”

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