Humor Quotes - Page 20

• You can't get unfamous. You can get infamous but you can't get unfamous.

  Dave Chappelle

  Funny, Infamous

  12 Copy quote

• Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.

  Anton Chekhov

  Funny, Doctors, Law

  Ivanov I

  177 Copy quote

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• As fathers commonly go, it is seldom a misfortune to be fatherless; and considering the general run of sons, as seldom a misfortune to be childless.

  Lord Chesterfield

  Inspirational, Funny, Fathers Day

  Lord Chesterfield, David Roberts (2008). “Lord Chesterfield's Letters”, p.239, Oxford University Press

  94 Copy quote

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• The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people.

  Gilbert K. Chesterton

  Love, Funny, Life

  "The Illustrated London News" Magazine, July 16, 1910.

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• Thieves respect property. They merely wish the property to become their property that they may more perfectly respect it.

  Gilbert K. Chesterton

  Funny, Respect, Wish

  The Man WhoWas Thursday ch. 4 (1908)

  39 Copy quote

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• Journalism largely consists of saying 'Lord Jones is Dead' to people who never knew that Lord Jones was alive.

  Gilbert K. Chesterton

  Funny, Business, People

  "The style guide editor on ... peer pressure and using people's proper names" by David Marsh, www.theguardian.com. December 8, 2013.

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• There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time.

  Demetri Martin

  Funny, Thinking, Names

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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• A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.

  Winston Churchill

  Funny, Change, Business

  Winston Churchill (1987). “The Irrepressible Churchill: Stories, Sayings and Impressions of Sir Winston Churchill”, London : Robson Books

  109 Copy quote

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• A dollar saved is a quarter earned.

  John Ciardi

  Funny, Dollars, Quarters

  John Ciardi (1972). “Manner of Speaking”

  8 Copy quote

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• Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying around, I'd rather lie around. No contest.

  Eric Clapton

  Lying, Choices, Given

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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• A father is a man who expects his son to be as good a man as he meant to be.

  Frank A. Clark

  Funny, Dad, Father

  25 Copy quote

• There's one thing about baldness, it's neat.

  Don Herold

  Funny, Humorous, Appearance

  Don Herold (1926). “There ought to be a law--”

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• We all pay for life with death, so everything in between should be free.

  Bill Hicks

  Funny, Life, Revolutionary Ideas

  32 Copy quote

• I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out.

  Bill Hicks

  Funny, Mean, Cynical

  13 Copy quote

• If you're so pro-life, do me a favour: don't lock arms and block medical clinics. If you're so pro-life, lock arms and block cemeteries.

  Bill Hicks

  Funny, Block, Pro Life

  "Post-Sachsgate, standups should channel Bill Hicks" by Bruce Dessau, www.theguardian.com. January 30, 2010.

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• Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don't know one child with a full time job and children.

  Bill Hicks

  Funny, Jobs, Children

  66 Copy quote

• Your denial is beneath you, and thanks to the use of hallucinogenic drugs, I see through you.

  Bill Hicks

  Funny, Drug, Use

  Bill Hicks (2009). “Love All the People (New Edition)”, p.102, Hachette UK

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• I'm a heavy smoker. I go through two lighters a day.

  Bill Hicks

  Funny, Two, Comedy

  12 Copy quote

• Women priests. Great, great. Now there's priests of both sexes I don't listen to.

  Bill Hicks

  Funny, Atheist, Sex

  "The Church of England can no longer continue as an arm of the state" by Suzanne Moore, www.theguardian.com. November 21, 2012.

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• I don't do drugs anymore... than, say, the average touring funk band.

  Bill Hicks

  Funny, Average, Drug

  43 Copy quote

• I don't like anything in the mainstream and they don't like me.

  Bill Hicks

  Funny, Revolutionary Ideas, Comedy

  86 Copy quote

• I'm sorry if any of you are Catholic. I'm not sorry if you're offended, I'm actually just sorry by the fact that you're Catholic.

  Bill Hicks

  Funny, Sorry, Offended You

  "Personal Quotes/ Biography". www.imdb.com.

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• When two or more people agree on an issue, I form on the other side.

  Bill Hicks

  Funny, Two, Issues

  "Personal Quotes/ Biography". www.imdb.com.

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• The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

  Alfred Hitchcock

  Funny, Movie, Gambling

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  36 Copy quote

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• The difficulty is not so great to die for a friend, as to find a friend worth dying for.

  Homer

  Inspirational, Funny, Friendship

  36 Copy quote