Humor Quotes - Page 20

• If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race.

  Fred Allen

  Funny, Race, Membership

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• Radio is a bag of mediocrity where little men with carbon minds wallow in sluice of their own making.

  Fred Allen

  Funny, Men, Mind

  9 Copy quote

• Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars.

  Fred Allen

  Funny, Stars, Mistake

  Quoted in Evan Esar, The Dictionary of Humorous Quotations (1949)

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• I play a musical instrument a little, but only for my own amazement.

  Fred Allen

  Funny, Play, Musical

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• Washington is no place for a good actor. The competition from bad actors is too great.

  Fred Allen

  Funny, Cities, Competition

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• An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer.

  Fred Allen

  Funny, Art, Guy

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• During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoying big talk.

  Fred Allen

  Funny, Men, Today

  "Sunday Observer; Brass Hat In Hand" by Russell Baker, www.nytimes.com. April 17, 1983.

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• Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will just look ridiculous year after year.

  Fred Allen

  Funny, Years, Justice

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• Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs.

  Fred Allen

  Funny, Stars, Pride

  48 Copy quote

• Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.

  Fred Allen

  Funny, People, Watches

  "Biography / Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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• The advertising world had space men in it before spacemen existed.

  Fred Allen

  Funny, Men, Space

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• The vice-president of an advertising agency is a bit of executive fungus that forms on a desk that has been exposed to conference.

  Fred Allen

  Funny, Agency, President

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• Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.

  Tim Allen

  Funny, Nephew, Pennies

  60 Copy quote

• My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.

  Tim Allen

  Funny, Mom, Mother

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• I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

  Woody Allen

  Funny, Witty, Humorous

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• It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.

  Woody Allen

  Funny, Book, Beer

  New Yorker, 21 Nov. 1977

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• If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

  Woody Allen

  Funny, Witty, Money

  New Yorker, 5 Nov. 1973

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• Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.

  Woody Allen

  Funny, Hilarious, Guy

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• I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

  Woody Allen

  Funny, Witty, Sex

  54 Copy quote

• I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

  Woody Allen

  Funny, Life, Grandfather

  84 Copy quote

• Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.

  Woody Allen

  Funny, Time, Inspiration

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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• When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.

  Woody Allen

  Funny, Softball, Baseball

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• Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

  Woody Allen

  Funny, Death, Lying

  Without Feathers "The Early Essays" (1975)

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• Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.

  Woody Allen

  Funny, Food, Men

  Without Feathers "Selections from the Allen Notebooks" (1975)

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• Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?

  Woody Allen

  Funny, Life, Death

  Woody Allen (2007). “The Insanity Defense: The Complete Prose”, Random House Incorporated

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