Humor Quotes - Page 22

• My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Doe, Actresses

  40 Copy quote

• Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Pieces, Matter

  100 Copy quote

• To be a successful father... there's one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don't look at it for the first two years.

  Ernest Hemingway

  Funny, Fathers Day, Dad

  Ernest Hemingway (2008). “The Good Life According to Hemingway”, Ecco

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• People must not do things for fun. We are not here for fun. There is no reference to fun in any Act of Parliament.

  A. P. Herbert

  Funny, People, Parliament

  Uncommon Law (1935) "Is it a Free Country?"

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• There's one thing about baldness, it's neat.

  Don Herold

  Funny, Humorous, Appearance

  Don Herold (1926). “There ought to be a law--”

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• We all pay for life with death, so everything in between should be free.

  Bill Hicks

  Funny, Life, Revolutionary Ideas

  32 Copy quote

• I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out.

  Bill Hicks

  Funny, Mean, Cynical

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• If you're so pro-life, do me a favour: don't lock arms and block medical clinics. If you're so pro-life, lock arms and block cemeteries.

  Bill Hicks

  Funny, Block, Pro Life

  "Post-Sachsgate, standups should channel Bill Hicks" by Bruce Dessau, www.theguardian.com. January 30, 2010.

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• Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don't know one child with a full time job and children.

  Bill Hicks

  Funny, Jobs, Children

  66 Copy quote

• Your denial is beneath you, and thanks to the use of hallucinogenic drugs, I see through you.

  Bill Hicks

  Funny, Drug, Use

  Bill Hicks (2009). “Love All the People (New Edition)”, p.102, Hachette UK

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• I'm a heavy smoker. I go through two lighters a day.

  Bill Hicks

  Funny, Two, Comedy

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• Women priests. Great, great. Now there's priests of both sexes I don't listen to.

  Bill Hicks

  Funny, Atheist, Sex

  "The Church of England can no longer continue as an arm of the state" by Suzanne Moore, www.theguardian.com. November 21, 2012.

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• I don't do drugs anymore... than, say, the average touring funk band.

  Bill Hicks

  Funny, Average, Drug

  43 Copy quote

• I don't like anything in the mainstream and they don't like me.

  Bill Hicks

  Funny, Revolutionary Ideas, Comedy

  86 Copy quote

• I'm sorry if any of you are Catholic. I'm not sorry if you're offended, I'm actually just sorry by the fact that you're Catholic.

  Bill Hicks

  Funny, Sorry, Offended You

  "Personal Quotes/ Biography". www.imdb.com.

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• When two or more people agree on an issue, I form on the other side.

  Bill Hicks

  Funny, Two, Issues

  "Personal Quotes/ Biography". www.imdb.com.

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• The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

  Alfred Hitchcock

  Funny, Movie, Gambling

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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• What is guilt? Guilt is the pledge drive constantly hammering in our heads that keeps us from fully enjoying the show. Guilt is the reason they put the articles in Playboy.

  Dennis Miller

  Funny, Guilt, Comedy

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• The difficulty is not so great to die for a friend, as to find a friend worth dying for.

  Homer

  Inspirational, Funny, Friendship

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• A new poll shows that Senator Kerry's support in the South is strongest amongst blacks. Kerry's appeal to Southern blacks is obvious. He is a white man who lives far, far away.

  Dennis Miller

  Funny, Men, White

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• I've got a great sense of humor.

  Anthony Hopkins

  Sense Of Humor

  Interview with Helen Keier, www.ign.com. February 10, 2001.

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• Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.

  Douglas Horton

  Funny, Thinking, Age

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• If you don't learn to laugh at troubles, you won't have anything to laugh at when you grow old.

  E. W. Howe

  Life, Positive, Laughter

  11 Copy quote

• Many a man is saved from being a thief by finding everything locked up.

  E. W. Howe

  Funny, Men, Thieves

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• Don't knock the weather; nine-tenths of the people couldn't start a conversation if it didn't change once in a while.

  Kin Hubbard

  Funny, Change, Communication

  27 Copy quote