A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.
Even though your kids will consistently do the exact opposite of what you're telling them to do, you have to keep loving them just as much.
Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.
Gray hair is God's graffiti.
I am proud to be an American. Because an American can eat anything on the face of this earth as long as he has two pieces of bread.
Raising children is an incredibly hard and risky business in which no cumulative wisdom is gained: each generation repeats the mistakes the previous one made.
Any man today who returns from work, sinks into a chair, and calls for his pipe is a man with an appetite for danger.
I wasn't always black... there was this freckle, and it got bigger and bigger.
My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
Life is just a bowl of pits.
My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to speak it to?
Authors like cats because they are such quiet, lovable, wise creatures, and cats like authors for the same reasons.
Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.
People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.
In the beginning there was nothing. God said, 'Let there be light!' And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.
Just go up to somebody on the street and say 'You're it!' and then run away.
I'm on the patch right now. Where it releases small dosages of approval until I no longer crave it, and then I'm gonna rip it off.
I was coming home from kindergarten - well they told me it was kindergarten. I found out later I had been working in a factory for ten years. It's good for a kid to know how to make gloves.
The best doctor is the one you run to and can't find.
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
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