I observe the physician with the same diligence as the disease.
Successful crimes alone are justified.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
It is characteristic of all deep human problems that they are not to be approached without some humor and some bewilderment.
God is at home, it's we who have gone out for a walk.
Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.
If you desire to drain to the dregs the fullest cup of scorn and hatred that a fellow human being can pour out for you, let a young mother hear you call dear baby 'it.'
Common sense is genius dressed in its working clothes.
Beauty is an outward gift, which is seldom despised, except by those to whom it has been refused.
If you want to make an audience laugh, you dress a man up like an old lady and push her down the stairs. If you want to make comedy writers laugh, you push an actual old lady down the stairs.
I was the editor of the school newspaper and in drama club and choir, so I was not a popular girl in the traditional sense, but I think I was known for being relatively scathing.
An interim government was set up in Afghanistan. It included two women, one of whom was Minister of Women's Affairs. Man, who'd she have to show here ankles to to get that job?
I am constantly amazed by Tina Fey. And I am Tina Fey.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.
I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.
It isn't what they say about you, it's what they whisper.
I love sports. Whenever I can, I always watch the Detroit Tigers on the radio.
If Lincoln were alive today, he'd be turning over in his grave.
A bore is a person who opens his mouth and puts his feats in it.
Beauty ought to look a little surprised: it is the emotion that best suits her face. The beauty who does not look surprised, who accepts her position as her due - she reminds us too much of a prima donna.
If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip on the side, you might be a redneck.
You might be a redneck if... the blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.
If your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home, you might be a redneck.
The designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, drop them off at the wrong house.
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