You may be a redneck if... your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
If you've ever made change in the offering plate, you might be a redneck.
I don't know why my brain has kept all the words to the Gilligan's Island theme song and has deleted everything about triangles.
If your working television sits on top of your non-working television, you might be a redneck.
Little girls love dolls. They just don't love doll clothes. We've got four thousand dolls and ain't one of them got a stitch of clothes on.
If you own a home with wheels on it and several cars without, you just might be a redneck.
Changing a diaper is a lot like getting a present from your grandmother - you're not sure what you've got but you're pretty sure you're not going to like it.
Being a comedian, people tell me stuff they shouldn't tell their therapist.
When action grows unprofitable, gather information; when information grows unprofitable, sleep.
I'm lucky that my real-life Mom has both a great sense of humor about herself and an amazing ability to slip into complete denial if the subject matter gets a little too close to home.
Cathy was the first widely syndicated humor strip created by a woman. The strip was pretty revolutionary at the time not only because it starred a female, but also because it was so emotionally honest about all the conflicting feelings many women had in 1976.
If 'pro' is the opposite of 'con' what is the opposite of 'progress'?
A hair in the head is worth two in the brush.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.
My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?
I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
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