Humor Quotes - Page 32

• I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'

  Emo Philips

  Funny, Girlfriend, Father

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• I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.

  Emo Philips

  Funny, Girl, Night

  YouTube Channel "zappbrannigan"/"Emo Philips - 1983 (part 1 of 2)", www.youtube.com. October 15, 2007.

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• This is the great fault of wine; it first trips up the feet: it is a cunning wrestler.

  Plautus

  Funny, Drinking, Wine

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• The trouble ain't that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain't distributed right.

  Mark Twain

  Funny, Inspiration, Ignorance

  Mark Twain (2008). “The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn: A Penguin Enriched eBook Classic”, p.1053, Penguin

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• The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling.

  Paula Poundstone

  Funny, Time, Taken

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• I don't know which is more discouraging, literature or chickens.

  E. B. White

  Funny, Literature, Chickens

  E. B. White (1989). “The Letters of E. B. White”, Perennial

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• The truth may be out there, but lies are inside your head.

  Terry Pratchett

  Fake People, Lying, Reality

  Terry Pratchett (2016). “Seriously Funny: The Endlessly Quotable Terry Pratchett”, p.29, Random House

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• I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up.

  Mark Twain

  Inspirational, Funny, Wisdom

  The Innocents Abroad (1869) ch. 7

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• I have no use for bodyguards, but I have very specific use for two highly trained certified public accountants.

  Elvis Presley

  Funny, Business, Two

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• As a person, he was wonderful. He really was a great person. He was full of life. He had a great sense of humor. Very talented, of course, but very caring to his parents. There was a very endearing quality about Elvis.

  Priscilla Presley

  Caring, Parent, Quality

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• I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican.

  Dan Quayle

  Funny, Stupid, Humorous

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• It's interesting because people assume that because I'm famous I know all famous people.

  Daniel Radcliffe

  Inspiration, People, Interesting

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• Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.

  Rita Rudner

  Funny, Stupid, Men

  77 Copy quote

• Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted the whole day.

  Mickey Rooney

  Funny, Marriage, Wedding

  "Philip French's screen legends" by Philip French, www.theguardian.com. May 15, 2010.

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• When famous people come up to you it's a bit weird, but it's an honour, really, when they recognise you and want to chat to you for a bit.

  Wayne Rooney

  Inspiration, People, Up To You

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• To err is human, but it feels divine.

  Mae West

  Funny, Sexy, Clever

  "Personal Quotes/ Biography". www.imdb.com.

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• There is a level of cowardice lower than that of the conformist: the fashionable non-conformist.

  Ayn Rand

  Funny, Crazy, Silly

  "The New Left: The Anti-Industrial Revolution". Book by Ayn Rand, p. 123, 1971.

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• Caffeine. The gateway drug.

  Eddie Vedder

  Alcohol, Drug, Gateways

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• I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.

  Eleanor Roosevelt

  Funny, Wall, Flower

  Speech given at the White Shrine Club, Fresno, California. "The Event Makers I've Known". Book by Elvin C. Bell, p. 161, 2012.

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• Individual rights are the means of subordinating society to moral law.

  Ayn Rand

  Witty, Mean, Rights

  Ayn Rand, Nathaniel Branden, Alan Greenspan, Robert Hessen (1986). “Capitalism: The Unknown Ideal”, p.305, Penguin

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• Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

  Jef Raskin

  Funny, Time, Technology

  "The Mammoth Book of Zingers, Quips, and One-Liners". Book by Geoff Tibballs (p. 128), 2004.

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• Republicans believe every day is the Fourth of July, but the democrats believe every day is April 15.

  Ronald Reagan

  Funny, Business, Party

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• My fellow Americans, I am pleased to tell you I just signed legislation which outlaws Russia forever. The bombing begins in five minutes.

  Ronald Reagan

  Funny, Russia, Presidential

  Remarks during radio microphone test, 11 Aug. 1984

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• Congratulations, you have a sense of humor. And to those who didn't: Go stick your head in the mud.

  Jesse Ventura

  Congratulations, Mud, Sticks

  News conference, speaking to reporters, where a few were wearing the "Official Jackal" security passes that he had issued, February 23, 2001.

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  I've never had a problem with drugs. I've had problems with the police.

  Keith Richards

  Music, Alcohol, Drug

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