Humor Quotes - Page 34

• My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.

  Demetri Martin

  Funny, Garbage Disposal, Comedy

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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• I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.

  Demetri Martin

  Funny, Size, Comedy

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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• Another term for balloon is bad breath holder.

  Demetri Martin

  Funny, Balloons, Term

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  33 Copy quote

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• I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'

  Demetri Martin

  Funny, Writing, Thinking

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  55 Copy quote

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• There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time.

  Demetri Martin

  Funny, Thinking, Names

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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• I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.

  Steve Martin

  Love, Funny, Witty

  FaceBook post by Steve Martin from Sep 22, 2011

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• Don't have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them.

  Steve Martin

  Funny, Sex, Kissing

  16 Copy quote

• There is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she caught me with another woman. I won't stand for that.

  Steve Martin

  Funny, Moving On, Break Up

  9 Copy quote

• The real joy is in constructing a sentence. But I see myself as an actor first because writing is what you do when you are ready and acting is what you do when someone else is ready.

  Steve Martin

  Funny, Real, Writing

  7 Copy quote

• I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if you set out to make art you're an idiot.

  Steve Martin

  Funny, Art, Believe

  FaceBook post by Steve Martin from Nov 27, 2011

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• I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper.

  Steve Martin

  Funny, Writing, Thinking

  FaceBook post by Steve Martin from Feb 29, 2012

  56 Copy quote

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• When your hobbies get in the way of your work - that's OK; but when your hobbies get in the way of themselves... well.

  Steve Martin

  Funny, Hobbies, Way

  19 Copy quote

• A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

  Groucho Marx

  Inspirational, Funny, Cat

  186 Copy quote

• I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Inspiration, People

  Quoted in Look Magazine, 28 Mar. 1950

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• She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Family, Beauty

  66 Copy quote

• I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

  Groucho Marx

  Inspirational, Funny, Smile

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  120 Copy quote

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• A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Men, Old People

  Quoted in Laurence J. Peter, Peter's Quotations (1977)

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• I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Cute, Sarcastic

  62 Copy quote

• I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Life, Work

  16 Copy quote

• Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Witty, Humorous

  20 Copy quote

• I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Hate, Rain

  15 Copy quote

• If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Witty, Humorous

  12 Copy quote

• Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Sarcastic, Horse

  1937 Line delivered in A Day at the Races (screenplay by George Seaton, Robert Pirosh and George Oppenheimer).

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• It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Witty, Cousin

  10 Copy quote

• I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Inspiration, Mind

  10 Copy quote