Humor Quotes - Page 33

• Republicans believe every day is the Fourth of July, but the democrats believe every day is April 15.

  Ronald Reagan

  Funny, Business, Party

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• My fellow Americans, I am pleased to tell you I just signed legislation which outlaws Russia forever. The bombing begins in five minutes.

  Ronald Reagan

  Funny, Russia, Presidential

  Remarks during radio microphone test, 11 Aug. 1984

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• A copy of the universe is not what is required of art; one of the damned things is ample.

  Rebecca West

  Funny, Art, Copies

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  I've never had a problem with drugs. I've had problems with the police.

  Keith Richards

  Music, Alcohol, Drug

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• From sixteen to twenty, all women, kept in humor by their hopes and by their attractions, appear to be good-natured.

  Samuel Richardson

  Twenties, Sixteen, Be Good

  Samuel Richardson (1755). “A collection of the moral and instructive sentiments, maxims, cautions, and reflexions, contained in the histories of Pamela, Clarissa, and Sir Charles Grandison: Digested under proper heads, with references to the volume, ...”, p.380

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• Whatever women do, they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.

  Charlotte Whitton

  Funny, Hilarious, Strong Women

  Canada Month, June 1963. A later satirical version of this saying added to the end "Luckily, this is not difficult" (Paul Dickson, The Official Rules [1978]). See Eleanor Roosevelt 2

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• You can't study comedy; it's within you. It's a personality. My humor is an attitude.

  Don Rickles

  Attitude, Personality, Comedy

  "What I've Learned: Don Rickles" by Mike Sager, www.esquire.com. January 29, 2007.

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  I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

  Joan Rivers

  Funny, Hilarious, Hate

  Quoted in Michele Brown and Ann O'Connor, Woman Talk (1984)

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• My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

  Joan Rivers

  Funny, Groups, Unhappiness

  Joan Rivers' remarks on BBC 2 (February 23, 1990), as quoted in Elaine Bernstein Partnow "The Quotable Jewish Woman: Wisdom, Inspiration and Humor from the Mind and Heart" (p. 179), April 2004.

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• He has no enemies, but he is intensely disliked by his friends.

  Oscar Wilde

  Funny, Friendship, Sarcastic

  "The Works of Oscar Wilde".

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• Laughter is not at all a bad beginning for a friendship, and it is far the best ending for one.

  Oscar Wilde

  Funny, Friendship, Witty

  Oscar Wilde, Russell Jackson, Joseph Bristow, Ian Small (2000). “The Complete Works of Oscar Wilde: The picture of Dorian Gray : the 1890 and 1891 texts”, p.175, Oxford University Press on Demand

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• Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost 5,000 dollars. Because if a bullet cost five thousand dollar, we wouldn't have any innocent bystanders.

  Chris Rock

  Funny, Gun, Thinking

  "Accidental Gun Control: Bullets Get Expensive". www.npr.org. May 21, 2008.

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• I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

  Chris Rock

  Funny, Stupid, Wish

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• Gay people got a right to be as miserable as everybody else.

  Chris Rock

  Funny, Gay, People

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• I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

  Chris Rock

  Funny, Rocks, Comedy

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• Everyone has favorite criminals. Mine are pimps. We can all rob a bank; we can all sell drugs. Being a pimp is a whole other thing.

  Chris Rock

  Funny, Drug, Pimp

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• Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to.

  Chris Rock

  Funny, Shopping, Two

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• Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. C.B. is such a loser. He wasn't even the star of his own Halloween special.

  Chris Rock

  Funny, Stars, Halloween

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• School shootings were invented by blacks... and stolen by the white man.

  Chris Rock

  Funny, School, Men

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• A white boy that makes C's in college can make it to the White House.

  Chris Rock

  Funny, Boys, College

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• Yeah, I love being famous. It's almost like being white, y'know?

  Chris Rock

  Funny, White, Racism

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• Black people dominate sports in the United States. 20% of the population and 90% of the final four.

  Chris Rock

  Funny, Sports, Hockey

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• Who's judging American Idol? Paula Abdul? Paula Abdul judging a singing contest is like Christopher Reeve judging a dance contest!

  Chris Rock

  Funny, Dance, Idols

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• I'm in show business... I want to hang out with Janet Jackson, not Jesse Jackson.

  Chris Rock

  Funny, Want, Comedy

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• Right now, my job is that I'm like an ambulance chaser. I've got to look for movies with white guys falling out of them.

  Chris Rock

  Funny, Jobs, Fall

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