Humor Quotes - Page 35

• The tenderest spot in a man's make-up is sometimes the bald spot on top of his head.

  Helen Rowland

  Funny, Humorous, Men

  Helen Rowland (1909). “Reflections of a Bachelor Girl”

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• A man's desire for a son is usually nothing but the wish to duplicate himself in order that such a remarkable pattern may not be lost to the world.

  Helen Rowland

  Funny, Fathers Day, Dad

  Helen Rowland (1909). “Reflections of a Bachelor Girl”

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• Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.

  Rita Rudner

  Funny, Stupid, Men

  77 Copy quote

• Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

  Rita Rudner

  Funny, Marriage, Pain

  Rita Rudner (2008). “I Still Have It . . . I Just Can't Remember Where I Put It: Confessions of a Fiftysomething”, p.86, Crown Archetype

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• I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

  Rita Rudner

  Inspirational, Funny, Vegetarianism

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• To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'

  Rita Rudner

  Inspirational, Funny, Hilarious

  17 Copy quote

• Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.

  Rita Rudner

  Funny, Mom, Daughter

  26 Copy quote

• I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.

  Rita Rudner

  Funny, Women, Ballet Class

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• Never say a humorous thing to a man who does not possess humour: he will always use it in evidence against you.

  Herbert Beerbohm Tree

  Humorous, Men, Doe

  "Beerbohm Tree" by Hesketh Pearson, (p. 110), 1956.

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• I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.

  Rita Rudner

  Funny, Doctors, Office

  64 Copy quote

• Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.

  Rita Rudner

  Funny, Fall, Men

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• Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?

  Rita Rudner

  Funny, Women, Fire

  14 Copy quote

• Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

  Rita Rudner

  Funny, Growing Up, Hero

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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• It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.

  Rita Rudner

  Funny, Comedy, Prom

  66 Copy quote

• They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one.

  Rita Rudner

  Funny, Money, Two

  11 Copy quote

• I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.

  Rita Rudner

  Funny, Children, Pregnancy

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• When you have an efficient government, you have a dictatorship.

  Harry S. Truman

  Funny, Government, Liberty

  Lecture at Columbia University, 28 Apr. 1959, in Truman Speaks (1960) p. 51

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• The place of the father in the modern suburban family is a very small one, particularly if he plays golf.

  Bertrand Russell

  Funny, Family, Dad

  Bertrand Russell (1957). “Why I Am Not a Christian: And Other Essays on Religion and Related Subjects”, p.158, Simon and Schuster

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• I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Inspiration, Writing

  7 Copy quote

• If I became a philosopher, if I have so keenly sought this fame for which I'm still waiting, it's all been to seduce women basically.

  Jean-Paul Sartre

  Funny, Waiting, Seduction

  Jean-Paul Sartre (2012). “Essays in Aesthetics”, p.14, Open Road Media

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• When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humorous, Borders

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• Sometimes I lie awake at night, and ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

  Charles M. Schulz

  Love, Funny, Inspiring

  82 Copy quote

• If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Computer, Parentheses

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• There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, 'I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked.'

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Funny, Men, Thinking

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• It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.

  Rod Serling

  Funny, Dance, Dancing

  64 Copy quote