Humor Quotes - Page 35

• Let me tell you something that we Israelis have against Moses. He took us 40 years through the desert in order to bring us to the one spot in the Middle East that has no oil!

  Golda Meir

  Funny, Humorous, Oil

  Speech at state dinner forWilly Brandt, Jerusalem, 10 June 1973

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• Every normal man must be tempted, at times, to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

  H. L. Mencken

  Funny, Badass, Anger

  H. L. Mencken, Marion Elizabeth Rodgers (2010). “H.L. Mencken: Prejudices: First, Second, and Third Series”, Hubsta Ltd

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• Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.

  H. L. Mencken

  Funny, Witty, Laughter

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• A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.

  H. L. Mencken

  Funny, Flower, Men

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• A church is a place in which gentlemen who have never been to Heaven brag about it to persons who will never get there.

  H. L. Mencken

  Funny, Heaven, Religion

  "A Little Book in C Major".

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• The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.

  H. L. Mencken

  Funny, Laughter, Humorous

  A Little Book in C Major ch. 4 (1916)

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• Conscience is the inner voice that warns us that someone might be looking.

  H. L. Mencken

  Funny, Life, Freedom

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• The common argument that crime is caused by poverty is a kind of slander on the poor.

  H. L. Mencken

  Funny, Criminals, Poverty

  H.L. Mencken (2013). “Minority Report”, p.271, Knopf

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• When women kiss it always reminds one of prize fighters shaking hands.

  H. L. Mencken

  Funny, Women, Kissing

  A Little Book in C Major ch. 6 (1916)

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• The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

  H. L. Mencken

  Funny, Witty, Time

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• Archbishop - A Christian ecclesiastic of a rank superior to that attained by Christ.

  H. L. Mencken

  Funny, Christian, Humorous

  A Little Book in C Major ch. 4 (1916)

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• I go on working for the same reason that a hen goes on laying eggs.

  H. L. Mencken

  Inspirational, Funny, Eggs

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• There are men so philosophical that they can see humor in their own toothaches. But there has never lived a man so philosophical that he could see the toothache in his own humor.

  H. L. Mencken

  Philosophical, Men, Toothache

  12 Copy quote

• I married a German. Every night I dress up as Poland and he invades me.

  Bette Midler

  Funny, Humorous, Memorable

  "Song: 'Marriage, Movies, Madonna And Mick'". 1985.

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• A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.

  Dennis Miller

  Funny, Running, Police

  27 Copy quote

• Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time.

  Dennis Miller

  Funny, Atheist, Religion

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• I'm one of the more pessimistic cats on the planet. I make Van Gogh look like a rodeo clown.

  Dennis Miller

  Funny, Cat, Looks

  Dennis Miller (2010). “Rants”, p.41, Main Street Books

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• Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what's more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?

  Dennis Miller

  Funny, Ideas, Life Is Hard

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• Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time.

  Dennis Miller

  Funny, Letting Go, Guilt

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• Elected office holds more perks than Elvis' nightstand.

  Dennis Miller

  Funny, Redneck, Office

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• Human beings are human beings. They say what they want, don't they? They used to say it across the fence while they were hanging wash. Now they just say it on the Internet.

  Dennis Miller

  Funny, Humanity, Want

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• The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.

  Dennis Miller

  Funny, Quilts, Gay

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• Police in Washington D.C. are now using cameras to catch drivers who go through red lights. Many congressmen this week opposed the use of the red light cameras incorrectly assuming they were being used for surveillance at local brothels.

  Dennis Miller

  Funny, Light, Surveillance Cameras

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• You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.

  Dennis Miller

  Funny, Use, Eating

  Dennis Miller (2011). “Ranting Again”, p.83, Main Street Books

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• What is guilt? Guilt is the pledge drive constantly hammering in our heads that keeps us from fully enjoying the show. Guilt is the reason they put the articles in Playboy.

  Dennis Miller

  Funny, Guilt, Comedy

  7 Copy quote