Humor Quotes - Page 39

• Humor has been the balm of my life, but it's been reserved for those close to me, not part of the public Lana.

  Lana Turner

  Has Beens, Reserved

  Lana Turner (1982). “Lana--the lady, the legend, the truth”, Dutton Adult

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• Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.

  Mark Twain

  Inspirational, Funny, Sarcastic

  Mark Twain (2015). “Bite-Size Twain: Wit and Wisdom from the Literary Legend”, p.88, St. Martin's Press

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• Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.

  Mark Twain

  Inspirational, Funny, Motivational

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• For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Birthday, Fighting

  "Happy Birthday to You" by Don Meyer, Ph.D., www.huffingtonpost.com. October 1, 2013.

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• I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Thinking, Games

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• Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Life, Baby

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• The trouble ain't that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain't distributed right.

  Mark Twain

  Funny, Inspiration, Ignorance

  Mark Twain (2008). “The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn: A Penguin Enriched eBook Classic”, p.1053, Penguin

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• I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up.

  Mark Twain

  Inspirational, Funny, Wisdom

  The Innocents Abroad (1869) ch. 7

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• Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial 'we.'

  Mark Twain

  Funny, Kings, Inspiration

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• Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Ocean, Would Be

  58 Copy quote

• Dad taught me everything I know. Unfortunately, he didn't teach me everything he knows.

  Al Unser

  Funny, Family, Boyfriend

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• Caffeine. The gateway drug.

  Eddie Vedder

  Alcohol, Drug, Gateways

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• Congratulations, you have a sense of humor. And to those who didn't: Go stick your head in the mud.

  Jesse Ventura

  Congratulations, Mud, Sticks

  News conference, speaking to reporters, where a few were wearing the "Official Jackal" security passes that he had issued, February 23, 2001.

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• Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

  Tim Vine

  Funny, Brother, Dad

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• So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'

  Tim Vine

  Funny, Tuesday, Splits

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• Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.

  Tim Vine

  Funny, Filing Cabinet, Vines

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• So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'

  Tim Vine

  Funny, Home, Voice

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• So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

  Tim Vine

  Funny, Swimming, Baths

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• I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.

  Tim Vine

  Funny, Past, Sea

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• I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

  Tim Vine

  Funny, Trying, Suitcases

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• You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

  Tim Vine

  Funny, Hunting, Night

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• If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Two, Pennies

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• I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Life, Reading

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• Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward.

  Kurt Vonnegut

  Funny, Smile, Laughter

  FaceBook post by Kurt Vonnegut from Feb 03, 2015

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• What a nice night for an evening.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Nice, Night

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