Humor Quotes - Page 39

• Individual rights are the means of subordinating society to moral law.

  Ayn Rand

  Witty, Mean, Rights

  Ayn Rand, Nathaniel Branden, Alan Greenspan, Robert Hessen (1986). “Capitalism: The Unknown Ideal”, p.305, Penguin

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• Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

  Jef Raskin

  Funny, Time, Technology

  "The Mammoth Book of Zingers, Quips, and One-Liners". Book by Geoff Tibballs (p. 128), 2004.

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• Republicans believe every day is the Fourth of July, but the democrats believe every day is April 15.

  Ronald Reagan

  Funny, Business, Party

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• My fellow Americans, I am pleased to tell you I just signed legislation which outlaws Russia forever. The bombing begins in five minutes.

  Ronald Reagan

  Funny, Russia, Presidential

  Remarks during radio microphone test, 11 Aug. 1984

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  I've never had a problem with drugs. I've had problems with the police.

  Keith Richards

  Music, Alcohol, Drug

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• From sixteen to twenty, all women, kept in humor by their hopes and by their attractions, appear to be good-natured.

  Samuel Richardson

  Twenties, Sixteen, Be Good

  Samuel Richardson (1755). “A collection of the moral and instructive sentiments, maxims, cautions, and reflexions, contained in the histories of Pamela, Clarissa, and Sir Charles Grandison: Digested under proper heads, with references to the volume, ...”, p.380

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• You can't study comedy; it's within you. It's a personality. My humor is an attitude.

  Don Rickles

  Attitude, Personality, Comedy

  "What I've Learned: Don Rickles" by Mike Sager, www.esquire.com. January 29, 2007.

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  I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

  Joan Rivers

  Funny, Hilarious, Hate

  Quoted in Michele Brown and Ann O'Connor, Woman Talk (1984)

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• My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

  Joan Rivers

  Funny, Groups, Unhappiness

  Joan Rivers' remarks on BBC 2 (February 23, 1990), as quoted in Elaine Bernstein Partnow "The Quotable Jewish Woman: Wisdom, Inspiration and Humor from the Mind and Heart" (p. 179), April 2004.

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• Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost 5,000 dollars. Because if a bullet cost five thousand dollar, we wouldn't have any innocent bystanders.

  Chris Rock

  Funny, Gun, Thinking

  "Accidental Gun Control: Bullets Get Expensive". www.npr.org. May 21, 2008.

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• I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

  Chris Rock

  Funny, Stupid, Wish

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• Gay people got a right to be as miserable as everybody else.

  Chris Rock

  Funny, Gay, People

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• I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

  Chris Rock

  Funny, Rocks, Comedy

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• Everyone has favorite criminals. Mine are pimps. We can all rob a bank; we can all sell drugs. Being a pimp is a whole other thing.

  Chris Rock

  Funny, Drug, Pimp

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• Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to.

  Chris Rock

  Funny, Shopping, Two

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• Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. C.B. is such a loser. He wasn't even the star of his own Halloween special.

  Chris Rock

  Funny, Stars, Halloween

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• School shootings were invented by blacks... and stolen by the white man.

  Chris Rock

  Funny, School, Men

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• A white boy that makes C's in college can make it to the White House.

  Chris Rock

  Funny, Boys, College

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• Yeah, I love being famous. It's almost like being white, y'know?

  Chris Rock

  Funny, White, Racism

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• Black people dominate sports in the United States. 20% of the population and 90% of the final four.

  Chris Rock

  Funny, Sports, Hockey

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• Who's judging American Idol? Paula Abdul? Paula Abdul judging a singing contest is like Christopher Reeve judging a dance contest!

  Chris Rock

  Funny, Dance, Idols

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• I'm in show business... I want to hang out with Janet Jackson, not Jesse Jackson.

  Chris Rock

  Funny, Want, Comedy

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• Right now, my job is that I'm like an ambulance chaser. I've got to look for movies with white guys falling out of them.

  Chris Rock

  Funny, Jobs, Fall

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• Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.

  Will Rogers

  Funny, Life, Change

  Will Rogers, Bryan B. Sterling (1988). “The Will Rogers scrapbook”, Random House Value Publishing

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• Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

  Will Rogers

  Inspirational, Funny, Life

  "The Graduation Speech I'd Give, if Anyone Asked" by Karina Bland, www.azcentral.com. June 03, 2015.

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