Humor Quotes - Page 37

• Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

  P. J. O'Rourke

  Inspirational, Funny, Money

  P. J. O'Rourke (2007). “Parliament of Whores: A Lone Humorist Attempts to Explain the Entire U.S. Government”, p.24, Grove/Atlantic, Inc.

  132 Copy quote

  Show source

• Always read something that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

  P. J. O'Rourke

  Funny, Happiness, Clever

  11 Copy quote

• The optimist thinks this is the best of all possible worlds. The pessimist fears it is true.

  J. Robert Oppenheimer

  Inspirational, Funny, Life

  121 Copy quote

• In some sort of crude sense, which no vulgarity, no humor, no overstatement can quite extinguish, the physicists have known sin; and this is a knowledge which they cannot lose.

  J. Robert Oppenheimer

  Vulgarity Is, Sin, Wartime

  Physics in the ContemporaryWorld (1947)

  24 Copy quote

  Show source

• There are days when it takes all you've got just to keep up with the losers.

  Robert Orben

  Funny, Work, Sunset

  14 Copy quote

• In prehistoric times, mankind often had only two choices in crisis situations: fight or flee. In modern times, humor offers us a third alternative; fight, flee - or laugh.

  Robert Orben

  Fighting, Two, Laughing

  Robert Orben (2011). “2100 Laughs for All Occasions: Short, Sharp, Topical, and Funny--Arranged in Categories for Reading, Telling, Laughing”, p.7, Main Street Books

  19 Copy quote

  Show source

• I got rabies shots for biting the head off a bat but that's OK - the bat had to get Ozzy shots.

  Ozzy Osbourne

  Inspiration, Rabies, Biting

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  77 Copy quote

  Show source
• 

  Work like you don't need the money. Love like you've never been hurt. Dance like nobody's watching.

  Satchel Paige

  Love, Inspirational, Life

  58 Copy quote

• If you gain, you gain all; if you lose, you lose nothing. Wager, then, without hesitation, that He exists.

  Blaise Pascal

  Funny, God, Humorous

  "Pensées". Book by Blaise Pascal, 1669.

  25 Copy quote

  Show source

• The early bird may get the worm, but its the second mouse that gets the cheese.

  Jeremy Paxman

  Funny, Business, Bird

  59 Copy quote
• 

  When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

  Emo Philips

  Funny, Death, Forgiveness

  137 Copy quote

• You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

  Emo Philips

  Funny, Sexy, Money

  62 Copy quote

• Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.

  Emo Philips

  Funny, Squash, Dresses

  15 Copy quote

• Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

  Emo Philips

  Funny, Encouragement, Morning

  51 Copy quote

• At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

  Emo Philips

  Funny, Glasses, Giving

  18 Copy quote

• I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.

  Emo Philips

  Funny, Gay, Comedy

  72 Copy quote

• I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.

  Emo Philips

  Funny, Running, Children

  19 Copy quote

• I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

  Emo Philips

  Funny, Life, Sleep

  20 Copy quote

• I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

  Emo Philips

  Funny, Beer, Nursing

  38 Copy quote

• I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, how are you going to get into the corners?"

  Emo Philips

  Funny, Sorry, Fighting

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  25 Copy quote

  Show source

• Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.

  Emo Philips

  Funny, Reality, Devil

  "E=MO²". Album by Emo Philips. Track: 'A Fine How Ya Do', 1985.

  32 Copy quote

  Show source

• I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.

  Emo Philips

  Funny, Lucky, Bars

  19 Copy quote

• I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.

  Emo Philips

  Funny, New Day, Underwear

  27 Copy quote

• My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

  Emo Philips

  Love, Funny, Limits

  87 Copy quote

• The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.

  Emo Philips

  Funny, Evil, Office

  28 Copy quote