Humor Quotes - Page 38

• I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

  Emo Philips

  Funny, Fifty, Want

  "E=MO²". Comedy Album, 1985.

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• I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

  Emo Philips

  Funny, Pain, Real

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• Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist.

  Emo Philips

  Funny, Cds, Two

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• I'm a great lover, I'll bet.

  Emo Philips

  Funny, Sex, Lovers

  "If you enjoyed those 'Peter Kay' one-liners in your inbox, they were probably written by Emo Philips" by James Kettle, www.theguardian.com. July 10, 2010.

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• Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'

  Emo Philips

  Funny, Grandfather, Lasts

  "E=MO²". Album by Emo Philips, 1985.

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• I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off of me, you two!"

  Emo Philips

  Funny, Men, Two

  "75 Funniest Jokes of All Time". "GQ Magazine", June 1999.

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• I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady...take your purse.'

  Emo Philips

  Funny, Today, Purses

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• People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi.

  Emo Philips

  Funny, People, Comedy

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• In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.

  Emo Philips

  Funny, School, Gun

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• My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.

  Emo Philips

  Funny, Safe, Comedy

  "If you enjoyed those 'Peter Kay' one-liners in your inbox, they were probably written by Emo Philips" by James Kettle, www.theguardian.com. July 10, 2010.

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• My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.

  Emo Philips

  Love, Funny, Life

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• Well, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy.

  Emo Philips

  Funny, Brother, Speech

  "E=MO²". Comedy Album, 1985.

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• Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?

  Emo Philips

  Funny, Children, Humorous

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• When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.

  Emo Philips

  Funny, Morning, Coffee

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• England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'.

  Emo Philips

  Funny, England, Unusual

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• I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'

  Emo Philips

  Funny, Girlfriend, Father

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• I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.

  Emo Philips

  Funny, Girl, Night

  YouTube Channel "zappbrannigan"/"Emo Philips - 1983 (part 1 of 2)", www.youtube.com. October 15, 2007.

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• This is the great fault of wine; it first trips up the feet: it is a cunning wrestler.

  Plautus

  Funny, Drinking, Wine

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• The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling.

  Paula Poundstone

  Funny, Time, Taken

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• The truth may be out there, but lies are inside your head.

  Terry Pratchett

  Fake People, Lying, Reality

  Terry Pratchett (2016). “Seriously Funny: The Endlessly Quotable Terry Pratchett”, p.29, Random House

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• I have no use for bodyguards, but I have very specific use for two highly trained certified public accountants.

  Elvis Presley

  Funny, Business, Two

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• As a person, he was wonderful. He really was a great person. He was full of life. He had a great sense of humor. Very talented, of course, but very caring to his parents. There was a very endearing quality about Elvis.

  Priscilla Presley

  Caring, Parent, Quality

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• I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican.

  Dan Quayle

  Funny, Stupid, Humorous

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• It's interesting because people assume that because I'm famous I know all famous people.

  Daniel Radcliffe

  Inspiration, People, Interesting

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• There is a level of cowardice lower than that of the conformist: the fashionable non-conformist.

  Ayn Rand

  Funny, Crazy, Silly

  "The New Left: The Anti-Industrial Revolution". Book by Ayn Rand, p. 123, 1971.

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