Humor Quotes - Page 36

• I invented the cordless extension cord.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Comedy, Extensions

  6 Copy quote

• There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, 'I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked.'

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Funny, Men, Thinking

  7 Copy quote

• It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.

  Rod Serling

  Funny, Dance, Dancing

  64 Copy quote

• It's really easy to avoid the tabloids. You just live your life and don't hang out with famous people who are in the tabloids. Don't do anything controversial and be a normal person. Have friends. And get a job and keep working.

  Amanda Seyfried

  Jobs, Inspiration, People

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  7 Copy quote

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• Beauty is all very well at first sight; but who ever looks at it when it has been in the house three days?

  George Bernard Shaw

  Funny, Beauty, Sight

  Man and Superman (1903) act 4

  18 Copy quote

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• Everything happens to everybody sooner or later if there is time enough.

  George Bernard Shaw

  Funny, Change, Time

  George Bernard Shaw (2010). “Back to Methuselah”, p.470, The Floating Press

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• If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Use, Twins

  9 Copy quote

• I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Simple, Fax Machines

  7 Copy quote

• If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Barbie, Toys

  46 Copy quote

• OK, so what's the speed of dark?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Dark, Science

  "Believe the hype: Yankees catcher Gary Sanchez might be the real deal" by DJ Gallo, www.theguardian.com. September 1, 2016.

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• The faults of the burglar are the qualities of the financier.

  George Bernard Shaw

  Funny, Lying, Quality

  George Bernard Shaw (2012). “Major Barbara”, p.26, Courier Corporation

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• Baloney is flattery laid on so thick it cannot be true, and blarney is flattery so thin we love it.

  Fulton J. Sheen

  Love, Funny, Catholic

  "Personal Quotes/ Biography". www.imdb.com.

  17 Copy quote

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• I don't set out to offend or shock, but I also don't do anything to avoid it.

  Sarah Silverman

  Funny, Comedy, Shock

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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• I have a ton of Holocaust stuff, and some of it is really hard core.

  Sarah Silverman

  Funny, Holocaust, Stuff

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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• I'm Jewish, but I'm totally not.

  Sarah Silverman

  Funny

  6 Copy quote

• But I think you can make fun of anything as long as it's funny enough.

  Sarah Silverman

  Funny, Thinking, Long

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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• I enjoy the last quarter of all basketball games.

  Sarah Silverman

  Inspirational, Funny, Basketball

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

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• I looked up and saw the shape of a heart made by the silhouette of Ben Affleck and Matt Damon kissing.

  Sarah Silverman

  Funny, Heart, Kissing

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  49 Copy quote

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• Stand-up comics reflect less of a visual humor and more of a commentary.

  Shel Silverstein

  Comic, Visuals, Commentary

  4 Copy quote

• I believe that economists put decimal points in their forecasts to show they have a sense of humor.

  William Gilmore Simms

  Believe, Economist, Shows

  12 Copy quote

• Well, all I know is what I read in the papers.

  Will Smith

  Funny, Inspiration, Paper

  58 Copy quote

• The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly, is to fill the world with fools.

  Herbert Spencer

  Silly, Men, Foolish Man

  'Essays' (1891) vol. 3 'State Tamperings with Money and Banks'

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• As far as humor goes, I've always been a very insecure person and I've always wanted to be liked.

  Peter Steele

  Insecure, Insecurity, Wanted

  13 Copy quote

• So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

  Tim Vine

  Funny, Swimming, Baths

  9 Copy quote

• I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.

  Tim Vine

  Funny, Past, Sea

  6 Copy quote