Humor Quotes - Page 40

• There ought to be one day - just one - when there is open season on senators.

  Will Rogers

  Funny, Life, Inspiration

  Daily Telegram number 2678 on March 06, 1935. "Will Rogers' Daily Telegrams: The Roosevelt years, 1933-1935". Book edited by Steven Gragert and James Smallwood, 2008.

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• The worst thing that happens to you may be the best thing for you if you don't let it get the best of you.

  Will Rogers

  Inspirational, Funny, Adversity

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• We don't seem to be able to check crime, so why not legalize it and then tax it out of business?

  Will Rogers

  Funny, Able, Criminals

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• An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh.

  Will Rogers

  Funny, Laughter, Food

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• I guess there is nothing that will get your mind off everything like golf. I have never been depressed enough to take up the game, but they say you get so sore at yourself you forget to hate your enemies.

  Will Rogers

  Funny, Sports, Hate

  Quoted in Michael HobbsThe Golf Quotation Book (1992).

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• The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

  Andy Rooney

  Life, Education, Math

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• Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted the whole day.

  Mickey Rooney

  Funny, Marriage, Wedding

  "Philip French's screen legends" by Philip French, www.theguardian.com. May 15, 2010.

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• When famous people come up to you it's a bit weird, but it's an honour, really, when they recognise you and want to chat to you for a bit.

  Wayne Rooney

  Inspiration, People, Up To You

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• I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.

  Eleanor Roosevelt

  Funny, Wall, Flower

  Speech given at the White Shrine Club, Fresno, California. "The Event Makers I've Known". Book by Elvin C. Bell, p. 161, 2012.

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• Wagner has lovely moments but awful quarters of an hour.

  Gioachino Rossini

  Funny, Music, Lovely

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• The light you see at the end of the tunnel is the front of an oncoming train.

  David Lee Roth

  Funny, Tunnels, Light

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• The tenderest spot in a man's make-up is sometimes the bald spot on top of his head.

  Helen Rowland

  Funny, Humorous, Men

  Helen Rowland (1909). “Reflections of a Bachelor Girl”

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• A man's desire for a son is usually nothing but the wish to duplicate himself in order that such a remarkable pattern may not be lost to the world.

  Helen Rowland

  Funny, Fathers Day, Dad

  Helen Rowland (1909). “Reflections of a Bachelor Girl”

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• Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.

  Rita Rudner

  Funny, Stupid, Men

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• Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

  Rita Rudner

  Funny, Marriage, Pain

  Rita Rudner (2008). “I Still Have It . . . I Just Can't Remember Where I Put It: Confessions of a Fiftysomething”, p.86, Crown Archetype

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• I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

  Rita Rudner

  Inspirational, Funny, Vegetarianism

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• To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'

  Rita Rudner

  Inspirational, Funny, Hilarious

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• Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.

  Rita Rudner

  Funny, Mom, Daughter

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• I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.

  Rita Rudner

  Funny, Women, Ballet Class

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• I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.

  Rita Rudner

  Funny, Doctors, Office

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• Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.

  Rita Rudner

  Funny, Fall, Men

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• Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?

  Rita Rudner

  Funny, Women, Fire

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• Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

  Rita Rudner

  Funny, Growing Up, Hero

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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• It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.

  Rita Rudner

  Funny, Comedy, Prom

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• They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one.

  Rita Rudner

  Funny, Money, Two

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