I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.
I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.
I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.
It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?
If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.
I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day.
I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.
My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.
Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.
To be a successful father... there's one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don't look at it for the first two years.
People must not do things for fun. We are not here for fun. There is no reference to fun in any Act of Parliament.
There's one thing about baldness, it's neat.
We all pay for life with death, so everything in between should be free.
I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out.
If you're so pro-life, do me a favour: don't lock arms and block medical clinics. If you're so pro-life, lock arms and block cemeteries.
Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don't know one child with a full time job and children.
Your denial is beneath you, and thanks to the use of hallucinogenic drugs, I see through you.
I'm a heavy smoker. I go through two lighters a day.
Women priests. Great, great. Now there's priests of both sexes I don't listen to.
I don't do drugs anymore... than, say, the average touring funk band.
I don't like anything in the mainstream and they don't like me.
I'm sorry if any of you are Catholic. I'm not sorry if you're offended, I'm actually just sorry by the fact that you're Catholic.
When two or more people agree on an issue, I form on the other side.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
The difficulty is not so great to die for a friend, as to find a friend worth dying for.
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