I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.
Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.
I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'
It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.
Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.
I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.
Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.
I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.
I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist.
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