Humor Quotes - Page 29

• Your denial is beneath you, and thanks to the use of hallucinogenic drugs, I see through you.

  Bill Hicks

  Funny, Drug, Use

  Bill Hicks (2009). “Love All the People (New Edition)”, p.102, Hachette UK

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• I'm a heavy smoker. I go through two lighters a day.

  Bill Hicks

  Funny, Two, Comedy

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• Women priests. Great, great. Now there's priests of both sexes I don't listen to.

  Bill Hicks

  Funny, Atheist, Sex

  "The Church of England can no longer continue as an arm of the state" by Suzanne Moore, www.theguardian.com. November 21, 2012.

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• I don't do drugs anymore... than, say, the average touring funk band.

  Bill Hicks

  Funny, Average, Drug

  43 Copy quote

• I don't like anything in the mainstream and they don't like me.

  Bill Hicks

  Funny, Revolutionary Ideas, Comedy

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• I'm sorry if any of you are Catholic. I'm not sorry if you're offended, I'm actually just sorry by the fact that you're Catholic.

  Bill Hicks

  Funny, Sorry, Offended You

  "Personal Quotes/ Biography". www.imdb.com.

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• When two or more people agree on an issue, I form on the other side.

  Bill Hicks

  Funny, Two, Issues

  "Personal Quotes/ Biography". www.imdb.com.

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• The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

  Alfred Hitchcock

  Funny, Movie, Gambling

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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• The difficulty is not so great to die for a friend, as to find a friend worth dying for.

  Homer

  Inspirational, Funny, Friendship

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• I've got a great sense of humor.

  Anthony Hopkins

  Sense Of Humor

  Interview with Helen Keier, www.ign.com. February 10, 2001.

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• Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.

  Douglas Horton

  Funny, Thinking, Age

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• Well, all I know is what I read in the papers.

  Will Smith

  Funny, Inspiration, Paper

  58 Copy quote

• If you don't learn to laugh at troubles, you won't have anything to laugh at when you grow old.

  E. W. Howe

  Life, Positive, Laughter

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• Many a man is saved from being a thief by finding everything locked up.

  E. W. Howe

  Funny, Men, Thieves

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• Don't knock the weather; nine-tenths of the people couldn't start a conversation if it didn't change once in a while.

  Kin Hubbard

  Funny, Change, Communication

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• As far as humor goes, I've always been a very insecure person and I've always wanted to be liked.

  Peter Steele

  Insecure, Insecurity, Wanted

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• The Church has always been willing to swap off treasures in heaven for cash down.

  Robert Green Ingersoll

  Funny, Humorous, Heaven

  Robert Green Ingersoll (1907). “The works of Robert G. Ingersoll”, p.261, Library of Alexandria

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• The tenderest spot in a man's make-up is sometimes the bald spot on top of his head.

  Helen Rowland

  Funny, Humorous, Men

  Helen Rowland (1909). “Reflections of a Bachelor Girl”

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• Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.

  Rita Rudner

  Funny, Stupid, Men

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• When one has not had a good father, one must create one.

  Friedrich Nietzsche

  Funny, Dad, Father

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• Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work.

  Earl Nightingale

  Funny, Work, Insperational

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• A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.'

  Conan O'Brien

  Inspirational, Funny, Women

  69 Copy quote

• If life gives you lemons, make some kind of fruity juice.

  Conan O'Brien

  Funny, Life, Encouraging

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• Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

  P. J. O'Rourke

  Inspirational, Funny, Money

  P. J. O'Rourke (2007). “Parliament of Whores: A Lone Humorist Attempts to Explain the Entire U.S. Government”, p.24, Grove/Atlantic, Inc.

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• Always read something that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

  P. J. O'Rourke

  Funny, Happiness, Clever

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