Humor Quotes - Page 25

• All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

  Charlie Chaplin

  Funny, Girl, History

  My Autobiography ch. 10 (1964)

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• You can't get unfamous. You can get infamous but you can't get unfamous.

  Dave Chappelle

  Funny, Infamous

  12 Copy quote

• Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.

  Anton Chekhov

  Funny, Doctors, Law

  Ivanov I

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• As fathers commonly go, it is seldom a misfortune to be fatherless; and considering the general run of sons, as seldom a misfortune to be childless.

  Lord Chesterfield

  Inspirational, Funny, Fathers Day

  Lord Chesterfield, David Roberts (2008). “Lord Chesterfield's Letters”, p.239, Oxford University Press

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• The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people.

  Gilbert K. Chesterton

  Love, Funny, Life

  "The Illustrated London News" Magazine, July 16, 1910.

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• Thieves respect property. They merely wish the property to become their property that they may more perfectly respect it.

  Gilbert K. Chesterton

  Funny, Respect, Wish

  The Man WhoWas Thursday ch. 4 (1908)

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• Journalism largely consists of saying 'Lord Jones is Dead' to people who never knew that Lord Jones was alive.

  Gilbert K. Chesterton

  Funny, Business, People

  "The style guide editor on ... peer pressure and using people's proper names" by David Marsh, www.theguardian.com. December 8, 2013.

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• A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.

  Winston Churchill

  Funny, Change, Business

  Winston Churchill (1987). “The Irrepressible Churchill: Stories, Sayings and Impressions of Sir Winston Churchill”, London : Robson Books

  109 Copy quote

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• A dollar saved is a quarter earned.

  John Ciardi

  Funny, Dollars, Quarters

  John Ciardi (1972). “Manner of Speaking”

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• Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying around, I'd rather lie around. No contest.

  Eric Clapton

  Lying, Choices, Given

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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• A father is a man who expects his son to be as good a man as he meant to be.

  Frank A. Clark

  Funny, Dad, Father

  25 Copy quote

• My true friends have always given me that supreme proof of devotion, a spontaneous aversion for the man I loved.

  Sidonie Gabrielle Colette

  Love, Funny, Friendship

  "Break of Day". Book by Sidonie Gabrielle Colette, 1928.

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• Silence is foolish if we are wise, but wise if we are foolish.

  Charles Caleb Colton

  Funny, Wise, Silence

  Charles Caleb Colton (1824). “Lacon, Or, Many Things in a Few Words: Addressed to Those who Think”, p.5

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• Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on.

  Billy Connolly

  Funny, Men, Tea

  61 Copy quote

• If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?

  Billy Connolly

  Funny, Jesus, Names

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• I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of myself and my imagination as I used to be.

  Billy Connolly

  Funny, Thinking, Imagination

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

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• I sometimes wish that people would put a little more emphasis upon the observance of the law than they do upon its enforcement.

  Calvin Coolidge

  Funny, Inspiration, Law

  14 Copy quote

• Too often, the opportunity knocks, but by the time you push back the chain, push back the bolt, unhook the two locks and shut off the burglar alarm, it's too late.

  Rita Coolidge

  Funny, Opportunity, Two

  26 Copy quote

• Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Drinking, Kids

  67 Copy quote

• Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Night, Gone

  112 Copy quote

• I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Window Shopping, Four

  "Jus' Like That" by Michael Billington, www.theguardian.com. April 9, 2003.

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• I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.'

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Cheese Sandwiches, Cheesy

  8 Copy quote

• You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Motivation, Humorous

  71 Copy quote

• So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'

  Tim Vine

  Funny, Oysters, Giving

  "Comedy preview" by Wiliam Cook, www.theguardian.com. April 28, 2005.

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• So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, House, Stopping

  7 Copy quote