Humor Quotes - Page 12

• An Irishman's wife gave birth to twins. Her husband wanted to know who the other man was.

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Husband, Men

  8 Copy quote

• It's impossible to ravish me, I'm so willing.

  John Fletcher

  Funny, Impossible, Willing

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• You should be as alive as you can, until you're totally dead!

  Dylan Moran

  Funny, Alive, Should

  "Dylan Moran: What It Is". Video, 2009.

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• Old people have fewer diseases than the young, but their diseases never leave them.

  Hippocrates

  Funny, Fitness, People

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• The court is like a palace of marble; it's composed of people very hard and very polished.

  Jean de la Bruyere

  Funny, Success, Humorous

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• If you cry ''Forward'' you must be sure to make clear the direction in which to go. Don't you see that if you fail to do that and simply call out the word to a monk and a revolutionary, they will go in precisely opposite directions?

  Anton Chekhov

  Funny, Failure, Communication

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• The stupidity of one brain multiplied by twelve.

  Elbert Hubbard

  Funny, Stupidity, Brain

  Elbert Hubbard, Bert Hubbard (1923). “Selected writings of Elbert Hubbard: his mintage of wisdom, coined from a life of love, laughter and work”

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• The Creator made Italy from designs by Michelangelo.

  Mark Twain

  Funny, Travel, Italian Culture

  The Innocents Abroad (1869) ch. 27

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• I'd shake his hand, but I think that's what's holding up his pants.

  George Lopez

  Funny, Thinking, Hands

  "George Lopez". www.imdb.com. 2002 - 2007.

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• They don't tend to feature the kind of vaginas I like in adult films. I tend to like a thick, heavy pussy - the kind of pussy that looks like it just smoked an exploding cartoon cigar.

  Jim Norton

  Funny, Cartoon, Pussy

  27 Copy quote

• That's an interesting accent you got there. Are you from stroke-victim?

  Jim Norton

  Funny, Interesting, Victim

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• God, do I hate my little fat tits. You ever pinch your little meat tits and wish you were dead? You ever just stand naked in the mirror. "You little fat-titted mediocre failure!" You ever do that for 3 hours on New Year's Eve.

  Jim Norton

  Funny, New Year, Hate

  23 Copy quote

• I'd rather hug Magic Johnson after he rolled around in barbed wire.

  Jim Norton

  Funny, Magic, Hug

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• Max: What's a period? George: It's a bullet we dodge, go get ready.

  George Lopez

  Funny, Max, Bullets

  TV series "George Lopez" ("Prototype"), 2002-2007.

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• I hope you accidentally drink leukemia at a picnic.

  Jim Norton

  Funny, Picnics, Drink

  "How To Be A Comedian" by James Altucher, www.businessinsider.com. July 24, 2011.

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• You have the sex appeal of Norman Fell.

  Jim Norton

  Funny, Sex, Appeals

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• I had a three year relationship end. Ever have somebody just freak out on you in a relationship? Things are going great. After three years she wants to run out and find a guy that doesn't hit her.

  Jim Norton

  Funny, Running, Years

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• Presents? We already bought you a lot of things. Member when we were at the market and I bought you gum? You'member.

  George Lopez

  Funny, Gum, Members

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• George: Why've you had a grudge against your brother for 15 years? Benny: We Lopezes are a proud people... George: You have a birthday lunch at Denny's every month. We're not that proud!

  George Lopez

  Funny, Brother, Years

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• This is L.A. You wanna learn Spanish? Take the bus.

  George Lopez

  Funny, Bus

  "George Lopez". www.imdb.com. 2002 - 2007.

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• One time, I was so hungry, I ate the beans in a bean bag chair.

  George Lopez

  Funny, Bags, Hungry

  "George Lopez". www.imdb.com. 2002 - 2007.

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• At the factory, I deal with ex-cons, substance abusers, and sexual harassers. And I'm not just talking about my mom.

  George Lopez

  Funny, Mom, Talking

  "George Lopez". www.imdb.com. 2002 - 2007.

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• Angie, I've seen my mom wrestle two cops to the ground with a taser dart in her neck, and you cry when your shoes pinch. Good luck, Bambi!

  George Lopez

  Funny, Mom, Good Luck

  "George Lopez". TV Series, www.imdb.com. 2002-2007.

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• I don't have kids. That's why I leave it in the dumper or in the mouth, because I hate kids.

  Jim Norton

  Funny, Hate, Kids

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• I don't pull out because... it's not my problem.

  Jim Norton

  Funny, Problem

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