Humor Quotes - Page 11

• Thirty millions, mostly fools.

  Thomas Carlyle

  Funny, Insulting, Fool

  12 Copy quote

• My doctors told me this morning my blood pressure is down so low that I can start reading the newspapers.

  Ronald Reagan

  Morning, Reading, Doctors

  United States. President (1981-1989 : Reagan), Ronald Reagan (1982). “Ronald Reagan”

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• Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Lonely, Sometimes

  18 Copy quote

• Jesus Alou is in the on-deck circus.

  Jerry Coleman

  Funny, Baseball, Jesus

  4 Copy quote

• Finley is going over to get a new piece of bat.

  Jerry Coleman

  Funny, Baseball, Bats

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• My wife has a black belt in shopping.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Shopping, Wife

  15 Copy quote

• I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Italian, Wife

  4 Copy quote

• If there are no cigars in heaven, I shall not go.

  Mark Twain

  Funny, Heaven, Cigar

  21 Copy quote

• Why don't they have waiters in waiting rooms?

  George Carlin

  Funny, Waiting Rooms, Waiter

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• If I like it, I say it's mine. If I don't I say it's a fake.

  Pablo Picasso

  Funny, Fake, Ifs

  7 Copy quote

• Streets full of water. Please Advise.

  Robert Benchley

  Funny, Water, Please

  "Final telegram to be sent. STOP" by Stephen Moss, www.theguardian.com. July 10, 2013.

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• Small earthquake in Chile. Not many dead.

  Claud Cockburn

  Funny, Earthquakes, Chile

  Claud Cockburn, A Discord of Trumpets (1956)

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• I am a conscientious man, when I throw rocks at seabirds I leave no tern unstoned.

  Ogden Nash

  Funny, Men, Rocks

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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• Well, I have one consolation. No candidate was ever elected ex-president by such a large majority!

  William Howard Taft

  Funny, President, Majority

  6 Copy quote

• There ought to be limits to freedom.

  George W. Bush

  Political, Limits, Anarchy

  "Satirical Web Site Poses Political Test" by Terry M. Neal, www.washingtonpost.com. November 29, 1999.

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• A boy is naturally full of humor.

  Robert Powell

  Wisdom, Boys, Scouting

  7 Copy quote

• The righteous one has no sense of humor.

  Bertolt Brecht

  Sense Of Humor, Righteous

  Bertolt Brecht (1964). “Baal, A Man's a Man, and The Elephant Calf: Early Plays by Bertolt Brecht”

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• Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Years, Sea

  19 Copy quote

• I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Money, Sugar

  7 Copy quote

• A grandchild is God's reward for raising a child.

  Bill Cosby

  Funny, Children, Rewards

  4 Copy quote

• I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Life, Birthday

  120 Copy quote

• All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.

  Charles M. Schulz

  Love, Funny, Valentines Day

  298 Copy quote

• I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.

  Tim Vine

  Funny, Blood

  Tim Vine (2010). “The Biggest Ever Tim Vine Joke Book”, p.24, Random House

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• Old age is fifteen years older than I am.

  Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.

  Funny, Years, Age

  "Personal Quotes/ Biography". www.imdb.com.

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• You kill me and I'll see that you never work in this town again.

  Steve Martin

  Funny, Towns, Kill Me

  "The Man with Two Brains". www.imdb.com. 1983.

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